Calvin and Hobbes' Wild Movie Collection
by Swing123
Summary: Calvin and Hobbes see some action movies. They decide to make fun of them by copying the action scenes. EVEN IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIES, THIS FIC IS STILL FUNNY! PLEASE R
1. The Day After the Day After Tomorrow

Calvin and Hobbes sat in front of the TV.

They had just finished watching The Day After Tomorrow movie.

"THAT WAS COOL!" Calvin exclaimed.

"Ugh." Said Hobbes. "Frozen people and hurricanes. I'll bet The Weather Channel is about the same thing."

"Yeah, but The Weather Channel doesn't show all those cool special effects! The hail, the tornado, the hurricane…"

"I get the point." Said Hobbes.

"Wouldn't it be cool if WE stared in that movie?" asked Calvin.

"I can Imagine." Said Hobbes rolling his eyes. "We wouldn't be the main characters, so we'd probably freeze along with all those other idiots who thought they could survive the storm."

Calvin thought.

"Ya know, Hobbes," Calvin said slowly. "I just thought of a way we could star in the movie!"

"Oh-no." said Hobbes.

Calvin ignored him. "Come on outside, buddy! Our fame and fortune awaits!"

Calvin raced outside.

Hobbes sighed, and followed.

When he got outside, Calvin was running around in circles in the front yard.

"What are you doing?" Hobbes asked.

"Practicing my acting skills, buddy! This is the running scene."

Hobbes stared at Calvin as he continued to run around in circles.

"Acting?" he said. "You don't actually think I'm going to…"

"Yup." Said Calvin. He stopped running around, and grinned up at Hobbes. "Buddy, we're gonna make The Day After The Day After Tomorrow."

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "Really? I don't suppose we're going to hire any actors?"

"Nope." Said Calvin. "Just you and me! Lets get started!"

Hobbes sighed. "Ok." He said. "What's the first scene?"

"The first one is where the guy falls into the crack in Antarctica! That was COOL!"

Hobbes looked around. "Calvin," he said. "This is spring. All the ice and snow we had has melted away."

Calvin stopped grinning. "Oh, yeah. Hmmm. How can we get some ice?"

"We have some in the Freezer." Suggested Hobbes.

"GOOD IDEA!" Calvin and Hobbes ran into the house to get their ice.

"Hmmm." Observed Calvin. "This won't be enough to cover the whole yard."

"Why do we want to cover the whole yard?" asked Hobbes.

"Hobbes," Calvin said. "This a ice scene we're talking about. We can't just put a dab of ice here, and another dab there! We need to cover the whole yard!"

"Ok." Said Hobbes rolling his eyes in disagreement. "But where are we going to get more ice for the rest of the yard?"

Calvin's eyes lit up. "I've got it!" he yelled.

Over at the Super Market, Calvin was staring into the freezer full of ice.

"These are a buck a bag. How much money do you have, Hobbes?"

Hobbes reached into his fur "pocket" and pulled out a few coins.

"I have fifty two cents." He said counting the money.

"Great, I have five bucks. Lets buy a few bags."

Calvin bought the five bags, (Hobbes got to keep his 52 cents) and made their way back to the house.

"This still isn't enough!" Calvin said. "Now what are we going to do?"

Hobbes shrugged. "I guess we'll have to…"

It was then that Hobbes noticed a sneaky expression form on Calvin's face.

"If we can take ice out of OUR freezer," he said slowly. "Then we can take ice out of OTHER PEOPLE'S freezers right?"

"Wrong." Said Hobbes. But Calvin was already rushing away to Susie's house.

Four hours later, Calvin had robbed the entire neighborhood of their ice. And, With Hobbes' help, they spread the ice across the yard.

"Ok, Hobbes, I'll the big important officer who's doing smart things, and you can be the idiot who caused a crack in the ice causing a crack fifty miles deep!"

"Whatever." Said Hobbes. "But, lets hurry up. This ice is turning my feet numb."

**THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW  
scene one: Big important smart guy does smart stuff, while idiot creates crack in ice.**

Calvin the magnificent walks across the freezing tundra of The South Pole (pretty smart huh?), While Hobbes the driller drills into the ice to get stuff.

"What was it that those people were getting anyway?" asked Hobbes the Driller. "You don't know, do you?"

"HEY! HEY! HEY!" yelled Calvin the magnificent. "STICK TO THE SCRIPT!"

Hobbes the driller sighed and continued drilling.

Just then, the ice crumbled!

Hobbes the driller looked up.

THE ICE WAS CRACKING!

Calvin the magnificent turned and beamed Hobbes the driller a look of purest steel.

"What have you done?" He asked intelligently.

Before Hobbes The Driller could answer, the ice opened up! And Hobbes the Driller went tumbling into the great unknown!

"NO!" Calvin the dope head… I mean, magnificent yelled. "I WILL SAVE YOU! BY ALL THAT IS MAGNIFICENT! In other words, me!"

Calvin the magnificent raced over to the crack of ice.

There, hanging on for dear life…. WAS HOBBES THE DRILLER!

Calvin the magnificent stuck his hand into the crack.

"Take my hand!" he yelled.

"Good advice." Said Hobbes the Driller reaching up, and taking Calvin the magnificent's hand.

Just then loud terrible moans filled the area.

Calvin the magnificent turned his head.

CALVIN THE MAGNIFICENT AND HOBBES THE DRILLER WERE SURROUNDED BY ICE CREATURES!

ICE CREATURES?

"HEY!" Calvin the magnificent yelled. "Get out of here! There aren't any Ice Creatures in The Day After Tomorrow! SHOO! BUZZ OFF! GET YOUR OWN MOVIE!"

"CALVIN!" yelled one of the Ice Creatures. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO OUR ICE!"

"HUH?"

**END OF SCENE ONE OF THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW**

Calvin looked around.

He was surrounded by the entire neighborhood.

Susie, Moe, Miss Wormwood, EVERYBODY! And all around him… gulp…. Half melted ice covered the yard.

Calvin turned back to the mob of iceless people.

Heh, heh." He said sheepishly. "Nice day to cool off, don't you think?"

Calvin's mom fought through the crowd 'till she came to Calvin.

Her face turned a deep shade of red. She shivered all over, clenched her fists, gritted her teeth, and her eyes nearly bulged out of her head.

The next thing Calvin knew, he was in his room.

Two weeks later, after Calvin was let out of his room, He and Hobbes decided to continue their play.

Wait, scratch that. CALVIN decided to continue.

Hobbes was just standing there when Calvin mentioned it.

"So," said Hobbes. "Are we going to sit in a court room and discuss global warming?"

Calvin stared at Hobbes in disbelief. "HOBBES!" he exclaimed. "That's the most boring part of the movie!"

"Never mind." Said Hobbes.

"The next scene will be the hail the size of baseballs!"

"Where are we going to get hail the size of baseballs?" asked Hobbes.

"Baseballs of corse." Said Calvin.

"Oh great." Said Hobbes.

Calvin rushed around to the front of the house, grabbed a bucket of baseballs, and hurried back.

"When I give the signal," Calvin said. "You throw one baseball at me from the tree house."

"This will be fun." Said Hobbes.

"When I give you the signal again," Calvin continued. "Dump all the other baseballs on me, ok?"

"Gotchya." Said Hobbes grabbing the bucket, and climbing up the tree to the tree house.

**THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW**

**Scene two: Hail the size of baseballs**

Mr. Important Calvin talked on the phone with someone of no particular interest.

"Blah, blah, blah" said Mr. Important Calvin. "Blah, blah, blah-dity, blah, blah NOW HOBBES!"

Just then, a hail the size of a baseball crashed to the ground.

Mr. Important Calvin freaked out.

"AAAA! HAIL! HELP! QAAA! HEAAA! NOW HOBBES! AAAA!"

Just then hail came from all directions hitting everything in sight.

Mr. Important Calvin is HIT! AND THEN HE FALLS UNCONSCIOUS!

**END OF SCENE TWO OF THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW**

Hobbes crawled out of the tree.

Calvin continued to lay on the grass with his tongue hanging out to one side.

"Boy," said Hobbes. "That was fun. What's next?"

Calvin got up. "Next is the scene where tornados hit Hollywood!"

"Oh, boy." Said Hobbes sarcastically. "What are we gonna use for the tornados? Fans?"

"YES." Said Calvin. "dad has a lot of fans in his closet! LETS GO!"

Hobbes sighed, and followed Calvin into the house to get some fans.

**THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW**

**scene three: A bunch of tornados**

"THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN IS **GONE!" **Screamed the mighty Calvin from a helicopter.

"Not that I care." said Hobbes the normal guy, watching the tornado tear the Hollywood sign apart. "I never did like those movies."

The mighty Calvin leaped off the helicopter, and ran over to Hobbes the normal guy, who was holding a NBC news cam.

"AS YOU CAN SEE," yelled the mighty Calvin over the terrible wind. "There is wind everywhere! It's too late for the Hollywood sign. IT WAS A BRAVE SIGN!"

"Yawn." said Hobbes the normal guy, sarcastically.

"We have No where else to go..." before the mighty Calvin could finish, a billboard slammed into him, and sent him flying backward.

Hobbes threw the NBC cam away, and started walking around in circles going; "help. Tornado. Can't hold on. Help-ity, help, help. Save me, help."

the mighty Calvin crawled out from under the billboard and screamed, "HOBBES! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO MAKE IT MORE CONVINCING THAN **THAT!**"

Just then, a huge tornado monster stepped into the clearing.

"GET OUT OF HERE!" the mighty Calvin yelled at the tornado monster. "THIS IS PURE WEATHER DESTRUCTION! GO SOAK YOU'RE HEAD YA STUPID MONSTER!"

"CALVIN!" The tornado monster screamed. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY FANS!"

HUH?

**END OF SCENE THREE OF THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW**

Calvin's dad stood in the middle of a field with a bunch of trees.

And hanging from each tree with extension cords attached to them, were all of dad's fans. Blowing at "high" and making little dust devils in the dirt.

Calvin looked his dad up and down.

His fists were clenched and shaking, His eyes were narrowed to slits, and his teeth were gritted.

"Heh, heh." Calvin said. He looked around, He saw no sign of Hobbes. He had just got up, and walked away.

"You dumb tiger." Calvin muttered.

He spent the rest of the day in his room.

The next day, Calvin wanted to continue the play. Hobbes wasn't to eager.

"Calvin." He said. "The next scene was the flood, and I refuse to get my fur wet!"

"Why?" asked Calvin. "I read that tigers love water."

"When we're in Asia we do." said Hobbes crossing his arms. "When we're in captivity we hate it!"

"You're not in captivity to dumb cat!"

Hobbes didn't answer.

"Look." said Calvin. "You won't get wet, ok?"

Hobbes eventually agreed. Calvin ran into the house, and came out moments later with several glasses of water.

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "Oh-boy." he muttered.

**THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW**

**scene four: flood**

Just then, a huge wave formed up from the waters in New York City!

It hit the city with FULL force!

"Help. Save me." said Hobbes the cat, walking down the road to the library.

"HURRY!" Calvin-o-the-great screamed to a crowd of panicking people.

"THE LIBRARY! IT'S THREE STORIES HIGH! WE'LL MAKE IT!"

Calvin-o-the-great turned to a flight of steps, and saw a huge...

"HEY!" screamed Calvin-o-the-great. "WHERE'S THE LIBRARY?"

He turned to Hobbes the cat.

"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET SOMETHING FOR THE LIBRARY!" He screamed.

"well excuse me." said Hobbes the cat. "You didn't tell me to get a library. I thought you and your hot-shot imagination could build something up."

"Oh for crying out loud!" Calvin-o-the-great turned to the gigantic wave that raced toward them at four hundred mph.

"PAUSE!" Calvin-o-the-great yelled.

The wave froze, and the entire scene came to a standstill.

**NOT THE END OF SCENE FOUR OF THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW. PLEASE STAND BY, WHILE CALVIN-O-THE-GREAT PUTS IN A LIBRARY.**

"YOU STUPID TIGER!" Calvin yelled. "Because of you, I have to keep my ten billion screaming fans waiting!"

"Ten billion screaming what?" said Hobbes.

Calvin raced around to the back of the house.

He came back minutes later with one of his Play-school houses.

He set it down in the grass.

"There." he said. "This will be the library."

"I was expecting brick, not cheap plastic." said Hobbes.

**NOW WE SHALL CONTINUE SCENE FOUR OF THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.**

"PLAY!" Calvin-o-the-great screamed.

The wave instantly started at them again.

"INTO THE YOU-KNOW-WHAT! AND HURRY!" Calvin-o-the-great yelled.

Ten billion screaming fans raced into the library just as the wave slammed against it.

**NOW THE END OF SCENE FOUR OF THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.**

"Now what?" asked Hobbes, dully.

"Well," Calvin thought. "Now everybody's in the library. Hmmm. OH YEAH! THEY HAD TO GET FOOD! Remember? They smashed a club into a snack machine to get their food!"

"Calvin we don't have a snack machine OR a club." said Hobbes.

"No problem there!" Calvin held up a baseball bat, and ran into the house.

"I'll meet you in your room." Said Hobbes walking away.

**THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW'**

**scene five: food**

Calvin raced over to the refrigerator. He looked behind him.

"Hey!" he exclaimed. "Hobbes isn't here!"

he shrugged, and turned back to the fridge.

With a terrible CRASH, Calvin slammed the bat into the fridge door.

It made a huge dent, but it didn't break.

"Mmm." observed Calvin. "They make ice boxes the way they used to!"

Calvin slammed the bat into the fridge again.

CRASH!

"CALVIN! WILL YOU...!" mom walked into the room.

She stopped.

She stared at Calvin.

She stared at the raised baseball bat.

She stared at the broken down fridge.

There was a long throbbing moment of silence.

Then, "GOOD GRIEF!" mom screamed. "YOU'RE HITTING THE FRIDGE FOR THE SPORT OF IT!"

How would Calvin have known that his mom would start throwing silverware at him? That's what happened.

Mom started pelting Calvin with spoons and forks.

"AAA!" Calvin yelled. "THE HAIL'S BACK! RUN!"

Calvin ran up to his room.

**END OF SCENE FIVE OF THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.**

The next day, Calvin decided to continue.

Again.

"Ok." he said to Hobbes. "Next, we need to keep warm! 'cause the big freeze is coming!"

"Hmm" said Hobbes unimpressed.

"I'll go get the books for the fire!" Calvin said.

Hobbes' head shot around. "

books?" he exclaimed. "You're going to do exactly what they did in the movie?"

"Yup." said Calvin. "Mom and dad will never notice a few missing books."

Calvin ran into the house, grabbed a few of his parent's books, and ran back outside.

He lit a match and dropped it into the pile of books.

Hobbes watched as the books went up in flames.

Just then, dad saw the smoke.

"What the.." then he saw Calvin with the books.

"CALVIN! NO!"

Calvin's head shot up.

"Oops" he said.

"I'll be in your room, where you will soon be." said Hobbes walking away.

Calvin wasn't aloud outside for a week

"I'm ready to wrap this up, Calvin" Hobbes said the next week.

"Ok, fine." said Calvin. "The final scene. Hmmm. What was that one?"

"The big freeze." said Hobbes.

"Oh, yeah!" Calvin yelled. "The one with the flag freezing! THAT WAS COOL!"

**THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW**

**FINAL SCENE: THE BIG FREEZE**

Calvin (all dressed up for winter) looked around.

Everything was to quiet.

Calvin looked up at the American Flag. It blew in the wind for a while, then stopped dead.

CALVIN WAS IN THE EYE OF FREEZE HURRICANE!

Calvin turned to Hobbes, (He had fainted under the cold, Calvin was pulling him along) and began yanking at Hobbes' foot.

"YOW!" Hobbes screamed. "You just separated my foot bone from my leg bone!"

"HOBBES! SHUT UP! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!"

"Not dead!" Hobbes exclaimed.

"Unconscious!"

"HUSH!" snapped Calvin.

Calvin saw an opening in the snow.

Obviously, the heavy snow had coved a building, and Calvin was standing on it.

Calvin continued at his attempt to yank Hobbes' foot off, as he pulled him over to the hole in the building.

Before Calvin jumped in he looked back up at the flag.

All at once, It was blowing again.

HARD.

And suddenly, with the clicking and whooshing of something freezing, the flag froze completely over.

Calvin shoved Hobbes into the hole and jumped in himself, once there, He quickly built a fire to keep the immense cold away.

IT WORKED!

Meanwhile, Calvin and Hobbes were racing down the hallway, the big freeze right behind them.

WAIT! Calvin was running down the hallway.

Hobbes was casually walking down it.

Calvin's imagination had to slow the freeze down so his lazy highness could continue at his pace without freezing.

At last, four hours later, he reached the door to where the "books" were burning.

"SHUT THE DOOR!" Calvin screamed.

Hobbes yawned looked at his watch, stretched all four legs, yawned again, scratched a itch on his big behind, then closed the door, and then proceeded to warm his worthless self by the fire.

"Dumb tiger." Calvin muttered.

**END OF THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.**

"that's it?" Hobbes asked. "I was starting to warm up to it."

"Oh shut up." said Calvin. "You ruined my play! Now my ten billion screaming fans have nothing to show for."

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"But now matter!" Calvin said. "I have a movie coming on that's sure to cheer me up."

He handed Hobbes the TV listings for that day.

Hobbes stared at it, then his eyes rolled into the back of his head.

"Oh-no." he muttered.

"Yeah, I know!" Calvin exclaimed. "I'm exited too! Let's go!"

Calvin raced into the house. Hobbes sighed.

He threw the ad for Jurassic Park over his shoulder, and slowly walked after Calvin. Preparing for the next corny play.

**THE END**

"THAT WAS A COOL MOVIE!" Calvin screamed afterward.

"Let's go put on a play for it!" Hobbes shut his eyes, counted to ten, and trudged outside after Calvin.


	2. Triassic Park

**Movie two**

**Triassic Park**

_Swing123: I recommend that you read the first chapter, _The Day After the Day After Tomorrow_ before you read this._

"OK!" Calvin said after they had watched Jurassic Park. "lets get started!"

"Do we have to?" asked Hobbes.

"Hobbes! Stop muttering!"

"I said, half to you."

Calvin stared at him.

"Hobbes, if you can't talk sense, then just shut up!"

"Yes, your idiotic highness."

"Hobbes, you're muttering, again!"

"I said..."

"HOBBES WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS! JUST DO THE STUPID PARTS!"

Hobbes sighed, as Calvin ran into the house.

Hobbes stood in the grass, till Calvin came rushing back.

"I don't believe it!" he said. "dad doesn't have any fiendish, and devilish cages in his room! Now THAT is surprising!"

Hobbes blinked.

Calvin thought for a moment.

"We'll need some kind of cage replacement. But what?"

Calvin's eyes brightened.

"THAT'S IT!"

Calvin rushed into the tool shed. He came out with a...

"a cat carrier?" said Hobbes "are you insane?"

Calvin ignored him.

"Ok," he said. "this will be the cage that the dinosaur's in, and the house will be TRIASSIC PARK, where, the slaves are trying to put it."

"Slaves?" asked Hobbes.

"Come on!" said Calvin. "You want this to dramatic don't you?"

"Who said that?" asked Hobbes.

Calvin rolled his eyes, and started his play.

**TRIASSIC PARK**

**scene one: velo-raptor... what are they called? Ugh! RAPTOR attacks idiot slave.**

Calvin the boy-genius, watches over his slaves as they push a huge cage into the gates.

Leading to... TRIASSIC PARK!

Hobbes the slave, pushes the cage with all his might.

"Calvin!" yelled Hobbes the slave. "Those people weren't PUSHING this thing! They used a bunch of techno-stuff!"

"STICK TO THE SCRIPT!" Calvin the boy-genius said.

Hobbes the slave rolled his eyes, and continued pushing on the cage.

Inside, something was staring at Hobbes the slave with evil eyes.

Hobbes the slave didn't notice.

Just when they thought they had the cage in the park, the raptor leaped into the air, and jumped against the cages!

Hobbes the slave stared at it.

"You put a stuffed dinosaur in here?" he asked.

"THAT'S NOT A STUFFED DINOSAUR!" yelled Calvin the boy-genius. "THAT'S A VICIOUS RAPTOR! NOW ACT SCARED!"

"Help me." said Hobbes the slave, as the raptor stuck it's terrible jaws out the cage.

Hobbes the slave stared at it in horror.

Ok, maybe not horror.

It was more of a bored look, but it was terrified bored look!

Hobbes the slave pushed the giant cage to the doorway.

"Open the outer doors!" commanded Calvin the boy genius.

Hobbes the slave sighed, and climbed onto the top of the cage.

He pulled with all his might, and began to lift the door.

The raptor's head shot around, and he rushed for the exit.

Only, he was a bit to fast for Mr Slowpoke "can't get the cage opened".

The raptor's head collided with the half open door.

The cage flew away from the Triassic Park, and Hobbes the slave tripped, and collapsed to the ground, the cage door still open.

The raptor, eager for revenge against the slowpoke who almost gave him brain damage, stuck it's head and grabbed hold of Hobbes' the slave's foot!

Several slaves tried to slam the door shut while others used hot shots to zap the raptor through the cage.

Their attempts were futile!

Screams of the raptor echoed through the night.

Then, Hobbes the slave was pulled into the cage and...

RIIIP!

"Aaaa. Help me."

"GRRRRROWL!"

**END OF SCENE ONE OF TRIASSIC PARK**

"yup." said Calvin. "That was a good scene."

"Now then." said Hobbes pulling his foot out of the carrier.

"Are we going to play as Dr Grant, and show the smart elec kid what raptors can do?"

Hobbes was expecting this answer.

"ARE YOU KIDDING? NO! WE JUMP TO THE THRILLING DINOSAUR PARTS!"

Hobbes sighed.

"Ok... now then, was it the tar spitting dinosaur that came first, or was it T. Rex?"

"Well," said Calvin a little unsure. "T. Rex is king, so he's goes first!"

"Hmmm." said Hobbes. "As I recall, TR knocked the entire car over. How are we gonna do that?" "

Don't worry Hobbes, I have it all under control." said Calvin.

"I can't believe I said that." sighed Hobbes.

**TRIASSIC PARK**

**scene two: TR knocks car over.**

Calvin the tourist stared down at his cup of water.

The water in it was making ripples as a huge pair footsteps closed in on them.

Calvin the tourist looked over at the other car where Hobbes the little kid was in.

The footsteps grew louder and louder AND LOUDER...

Then stopped.

Calvin the tourist looked around.

The goat who was going to be sacrificed by the...

"sacrificed?" asked Hobbes the little kid. "Calvin, they were just feeding it to the T. Rex! They weren't sacrificing it!"

"Returning to the movie..." said Calvin the tourist glaring at Hobbes the little kid, who rolled his eyes.

The goat who was going to be sacrificed by the T. Rex was gone.

Only the chain was there.

"Hmm. Gone." said Hobbes the little kid.

Just then... A BLOODY GOAT LEG SLAMMED ONTO THE WINDOW WHERE HOBBES THE LITTLE KID WAS!

Hobbes the little kid let out a scream.

Ok, maybe it wasn't a scream. It was more of a dull groaning.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaa. Goat leg. Save me from the goat leg."

Hobbes the little kid's terror stricken eyes rolled upward. Right behind the inactive electric fence, was a huge T. Rex.

It swallowed up the goat leg... erm ... the three legged goat in one bite.

Then it's eyes fell on the car that contained Hobbes the little kid!

"Mustn't move." said Calvin the tourist in the other car. "Mustn't make a sound."

Neither of them made any kind of sound or movement.

The T. Rex started to leave when Calvin the tourist screamed.

"HOBBES! TURN ON THE STUPID LIGHT AND GET IT'S ATTENTION!"

In the other car, Hobbes the little kid stared at Calvin the tourist with a grin on his face, and he held his hand to his ear.

"YOU CAN HEAR ME PERFECTLY YOU STUPID FUZZ BALL! NOW TURN ON THE LIGHT!"

"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a goat." said Hobbes the little kid.

Calvin the tourist's eyes bulged.

Hobbes the little kid snickered, and pulled the light out. He shone it on the T. Rex.

It's head spun around, and fixed on the car containing Hobbes the little kid.

T. Rex started toward the car.

"Turn the light off, turn the light off." muttered Calvin the tourist.

Hobbes the little kid turned the light off.

"YOU FUZZ BALL! IGNORE ME!"

Hobbes the little kid ignored him.

"YOU STUPID MORON! TURN ON THE LIGHT!"

Hobbes the little kid ignored him.

Calvin the tourist growled with frustration as Hobbes the little kid snickered, and turned the light back on.

T. Rex walked over to the car, and stared off into the distance.

For a reason of no particular interest, The car door was open in Hobbes the little kid's car.

Hobbes the little kid reached out, and slammed the door shut.

T. Rex's eyes shot at Hobbes the little kid!

Hobbes the little kid didn't make a sound.

But Rexy had already seen him. He bent over, and stared into the car through the window.

Hobbes the little kid shone the light in his eyes, and said, "hi. How are you doing?"

Calvin the tourist slapped his forehead.

The T. Rex let out a terrible ROAR.

Hobbes the little kid was about to switch off the light when he remembered.

He looked up.

The T. Rex slammed it's face into the on the top of the car.

The glass didn't shatter, but almost squashed Hobbes the little kid.

He pushed the glass up with his hands and feet as the T. Rex attempted to get to it's candy bar... erm... Hobbes the little kid.

Then Rexy got tired of listening to Hobbes the little kid's dull groan he called a scream, he tipped the car with his nose.

It rocked at first but didn't tip over.

But then, CRASH!

The whole car toppled over.

Sending Hobbes the little kid into the mud!

T. Rex stepped onto the bottom of the car.

His weight pushed down on the car, about to squish Hobbes the little kid!

But first it wanted to attack the tire, which wasn't as chewy as it expected.

"Eek!"said a terror stricken Calvin the tourist!

Calvin the tourist grabbed flares, and jumped out of the car.

"HEY!" he yelled.

T. Rex roared.

"OVER HERE! I GOT MORE MEAT THEN **THAT** SKINNY TIGER!"

"Hey!" yelled Hobbes the little kid. "I have plenty of meat!"

Calvin the tourist blinked.

"Give up Rex-a-roo!"

T. Rex lunged for Calvin the tourist.

"AAAAAAAAA!" screamed Calvin the tourist.

Just then, the T. Rex screamed.

"CALVIN! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY CAR!"

Whu-oh. It appeared that something worse then a T. Rex had just entered the situation.

**END OF SCENE TWO OF TRIASSIC PARK**

Calvin stared into dad's angry eyes.

It appeared that he was about to go to his work. Yes, because he was dressed in his suit, held his brief case, and had his hat atop his head.

Calvin's eyes then fell on the... uh-oh...the car.

Calvin had put a carjack under the car.

He had pushed it up so high that the car... gulp... toppled over.

"IT WAS ALL HOBBES' IDEA!" Calvin screamed.

We needn't go into details.

Calvin got the worse punishment you can imagine, and Hobbes said that this 'car incident' was worse then the 'noodle incident'.

Let's leave it at that.

One month later, after Calvin's parents had cooled down, Calvin and Hobbes went outside again.

"Ok, now we can do the tar spitting dinosaur, right?" asked Hobbes.

"Right." said Calvin.

"What was it called again?" asked Hobbes.

"Hobbes, don't you know your dinosaurs? It's a Dylophosaur! DUH!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"Even so, we can't use cars again. Your dad will kill you if you even SAY car." he said.

"yeah. What a bummer. That fat guy had to get into a car after he escaped Mr Dylophosaur."

**TRIASSIC PARK**

**scene three: Dylophosaur attacks fat guy**

Calvin the fat guy slammed on his breaks.

He had crashed into a inactive electric fence.

He got up, and looked around.

He saw the road right below him.

He grabbed a rope that was attached to his car, and slid down to the bottom.

He wrapped the rope around a tree, but then heard a chirping sound.

He looked behind the tree and saw Hobbes the Dylophosaur staring up at him.

Calvin the fat guy bent over, and picked up a tree branch.

"Wanna play fetch? Play fetch? Huh? Fetch?" he asked. "Look at the stick! Look! Stick, stupid! Ya wanna stick?"

He threw the stick away.

Hobbes the Dylophosaur ignored it.

"Ah, no wonder you're extinct." said Calvin the fat guy turning around. "I'm going to run you over when I come down."

Calvin the fat guy had just reached his car when he noticed that Hobbes the Dylophosaur had followed him.

He turned around.

Just then, frills shot up from the Dylophosaur's neck.

"BBLLLAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" It yelled.

It spit a tar liquid onto Calvin the fat guy.

Some landed in his eyes.

"AAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Calvin the fat guy.

He leaped into his car, and slammed the door.

"I'm safe." he muttered.

Frills went up next to him.

Calvin the fat guy spun around.

"BBLLLAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"AAAAAAAA!"

**END OF SCENE THREE OF TRIASSIC PARK**

"ok, now what?" asked Hobbes.

"Well, lets see here." Calvin thought. "Oh yeah! Next is the part about T. Rex chasing the car! THAT WAS COOL!"

"As long as there's dinosaurs in it. Otherwise it's boring, right?"

"What? You're muttering again!"

"Nothing." said Hobbes innocently.

**TRIASSIC PARK**

**scene four: T. Rex goes insane next to a car**

Calvin-the-greatest-boy-on-Earth and Hobbes the insane cat leap into their car as a T. Rex bursts from the undergrowth.

"RROOAAARRR!"

Calvin-the-greatest-boy-on-Earth floored it, and they zooming off as the T. Rex flew after them.

Calvin-the-greatest-boy-on-Earth shifted into 9,000th gear but...

"Calvin," said Hobbes the insane cat.

"Jeeps don't have 9,000 gears."

Calvin-the-greatest-boy-on-Earth turned and glared at Hobbes the insane cat.

"You dare oppose Calvin-the-greatest-boy-on-Earth!"

Hobbes the insane cat sighed.

At last, T. Rex began to slow, and the Jeep 4X4 zoomed away.

"How do you know it was a four by four?" asked Hobbes the insane cat.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Calvin-the-greatest-boy-on-Earth.

**END OF SCENE FOUR OF TRIASSIC PARK**

"ok." said Calvin. "Now that everybody but the kids and Dr Grant are back at the control room they had to do what?"

Calvin thought.

"Oh yeah! They had to get the electricity back! So they went to get it back, only the one guy had been eaten so they... ok."

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

**TRIASSIC PARK**

**scene five: some guy got eaten by dinosaur**

Calvin the hunter stared off into the bushes.

"We're being hunted." he whispered.

Hobbes the cat looked into the bushes, unworriedly into the bushes.

"I don't see any..."

"Sssshh!" Calvin the hunter spat. "Run to the control room. I got her! Go! NOW!"

Hobbes the cat walked away. And I mean at a casual pace!

Calvin the hunter strongly considered kicking that flicking tail up behind his shoulder blades, but he wanted to stick to the script.

Calvin the hunter crept into the bushes, he could see it now.

A raptor's head staring at him through a tree up ahead.

He coked his gun and pointed it at the raptor, but then... a raptor stuck it's head out of the bushes next to him, and stared at him with it's heartless yellow eyes.

"Clever girl" Calvin the hunter said, as the raptor jumped on top of him, and bit down on his neck.

**END OF SCENE FIVE OF TRIASSIC PARK**

Calvin sighed with relief.

"Let me tell you, Hobbes," he said. "It almost KILLED ME to say those two dreadful words!"

"What, "go now"?"

"NO!" yelled Calvin. "Clever girl! No girl is clever! That's why it pained me to say it!"

"What about SUSIE?" asked Hobbes grinning.

"SHUT... UP!" screamed Calvin. "Now, lets get back to the movie! Lets see...oooo. That's the best part!"

"You're thinking about the raptors in the kitchen, aren't you?"

"Yup." said Calvin. "Let's go get mom's pots and pans!"

"You're doomed." said Hobbes.

"Oh, and Hobbes?" said Calvin. "I want you to be SCARED TO DEATH during this scene!"

"Right something about death." said Hobbes.

**TRIASSIC PARK**

**final scene: raptor attack!**

Calvin and Hobbes sat behind the counter in the kitchen.

They were terrified.

Sort of.

The face of carnivorous dinosaur stared into the kitchen with it's heartless yellow eyes.

Calvin's teeth were clacking.

Just then, the doorknob turned, and the raptor stepped into the room.

"Eek!" squeaked Calvin.

"Eek." said Hobbes, dully.

The Raptor rose onto it's front legs, and let out a kind of cawing sound.

"CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!"

Calvin and Hobbes held their ears.

As the call of the raptor called another into the room.

The two walked in, and with it's right leg, the second raptor kicked the door shut.

Calvin and Hobbes were trapped.

The approaching footsteps told Calvin and Hobbes the giant 6-foot raptor was coming toward them.

Calvin crouched down, on his hands and knees, and started crawling away from the two monsters.

Hobbes followed.

The raptor looked over where Calvin and Hobbes were once hiding.

Then it peeked over the corner.

Calvin and Hobbes had already rounded a corner, but the raptor saw Hobbes' tail around the bend.

Now the raptor knew that there was two sandwiches in this room, and they were desperate to get them.

One of them leaped onto the counter, knocking pots and pans in all directions.

It's keen eyes searched the area for it's meal.

It didn't see them.

Somehow, Calvin and Hobbes got separated.

Hobbes was hiding behind another counter, and Calvin was three counters away.

The raptor edged toward Hobbes.

Hobbes blinked.

He was showing absolutely NO fear!

He knew this was just a play, and he was doing his best to be un-scared!

Calvin was tempted to just leave, and leave Hobbes for the raptors, but he couldn't "disappoint his ten billion screaming fans".

So he grabbed a couple of pots, and clanged them together making a loud, CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

Both raptors looked up.

They then lost interest in Hobbes, and started slinking for Calvin.

Calvin crawled into a hole in the counter, and tried to pull the door down. But it didn't move.

A raptor saw him trying to get the door shut.

"SSSCRRREEEEECH!" screeched the raptor bolting for Calvin.

BONK!

Oops.

Mr raptor had mistaken Calvin's reflection for Calvin, and he had slammed head first into another counter.

Hobbes pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket marked "script", and started reading.

"'run to freezer.'" he read. "Make raptor chase you, then lock him in freezer.' Sounds easy enough."

Hobbes stood up, and walked over to the freezer.

The raptors didn't notice him.

Hobbes continued walking to the freezer, yawning, and looking at his watch.

Finally, Calvin's imagination got sick of it, and put a twig in.

SNAP.

The raptors turned around, and stared at Hobbes, as he leaned against the freezer, his arms crossed, and stared back at them.

They both started running toward him.

"HALT!" yelled Calvin.

Both raptors stopped and stared at him.

"ONLY ONE RAPTOR IS SUPPOSED TO CHASE HOBBES! THE OTHER'S GOTTA CHASE **ME!**"

The raptors exchanged glances.

Then one started after Calvin.

The other zoomed on after Hobbes.

Hobbes opened the freezer door.

BONK!

The raptor slammed head first into the door.

Hobbes then, kicked and shoved him into the freezer.

"My work here is done." he said, dusting his hands together.

Meanwhile, Calvin ran and screamed his head off as the raptor flew after him.

Calvin rushed into the control room.

He slammed the door, and locked it.

"Haw, haw!" Calvin screamed as the raptor slammed into the door.

"you can't get me!" he mocked. "The door's locked!"

the raptor rolled it's eyes, then slammed it's face into the glass.

CRASH!

Oops.

Calvin grabbed a steel ladder, and set it up next to the attic.

"Calvin, that wasn't an attic." called Hobbes from another room.

Calvin climbed up it, and stepped into the whatever it was.

He crawled through the "thing" till he came to a door.

He kicked it open, and crawled into... THE MAIN ROOM!

Hobbes was already there, sitting on the dino skeleton.

Calvin gingerly climbed onto it too. Just then, the two raptors jumped from the attic thing, and onto the skeleton.

Calvin screamed as the skeleton broke apart, and slammed into the ground.

Calvin jumped up.

Hobbes sat up.

Both raptors were slinking toward them.

"Did I mention that I taste horrible?" asked Calvin.

The raptors closed in.

"I'll give you indigestion! Terrible indigestion!"

The raptors closed in.

"And did I mention the heartburn? TERRIBLE heartburn! Hobbes had once bit my finger, and had heartburn for week! It's THAT bad."

"I never had heartburn when I did that." said Hobbes.

"Thanks a lot!" Calvin muttered.

Just when the raptor was about to attack... A HUGE T. REX GRABBED THE RAPTOR IN HIS MOUTH, AND GOBBLED HIM UP!

"Hooray!" yelled Calvin.

"Calvin," Hobbes warned. "That's not a T. Rex."

"What are you talking about?" asked Calvin. "That Tyrannosaur just saved our..."

"CALVIN!" screamed the Tyrannosaur. "WHAT HAVE YOU **DONE** TO OUR HOUSE!"

Oopsy-daisy.

**END OF TRIASSIC PARK**

Calvin looked all around the living room.

The ceiling was missing in some places, there were dinosaur toys, pots and pan strewn across the house, the chairs were ripped, there was stuffing all over the place, and the carpet was gone in some areas.

Uh-oh.

There stood mom in the doorway.

It appeared that she had just been outside in the warm sun, and had come in for some suntan lotion.

"IT WASN'T ME!" screamed Calvin throwing up his hands. "You see, there were these two raptors and the T. Rex... I mean, Hobbes did it! You know how he is with his claws and the carpet and... the ceiling... were all part of his devilish plot to... glup..."

Hobbes had disappeared.

Calvin's mom delivered am stern lecture to him, took his TV privileges away, told dad, dad gave Calvin another screaming lecture about house care, took his TV privileges away again, and kept him in is room for three weeks.

Calvin then got to hear Hobbes snicker about it all.

"I'll get you for this!" he said. "You just wait what and see what comes on when I get my privileges back!"

Hobbes stopped laughing.

"Oh-no." he said.

Calvin laughed

**THE END**

_next movie: _Lord of the baseball bats _parody of_ Lord of the Rings.


	3. The Calvinbob Hobbespants Movie

**Movie three**

**The Calvinbob Hobbespants Movie**

_Swing123: I have decided to postpone _Lord of the Baseball Bats, _because I haven't seen it in a while, and forgot most of the good scenes. It will be done, don't worry, but right now, I'm going to follow Garfieldodie's suggestion, and make a Spongebob Movie parody. Remember: Even if you haven't seen these movies, these parodies will still be good._

"I'M A GOOFY GOOBER! **ROCK!**" screamed the television, in Calvin and Hobbes' house.

"WE'RE ALL GOOFY GOOBERS! **ROCK!** GOOFY, GOOFY, GOOFY, GOOFY, GOOBER, YEA-A-A-A-A-AHHHHH!"

Calvin grinned as Spongebob Squarepants rocketed into the air with his electric guitar on the TV.

"NOOO!" screamed Plankton as the bucket helmets exploded off the Bikini Bottom citizens.

When it was done, Calvin laughed out loud.

"That... was... GREAT!"

"I must admit," said Hobbes. "The plot was very interesting. Even though I did spot some mistakes. Like the Goofy Goober ice creme? Spongebob was acting like he was drunk! Was there alcohol in it?"

Calvin stopped laughing, and stared at Hobbes.

"Hobbes! It's pretty obvious that they were just so crazed from the ice creme that they did that! **I** act similar after my Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs."

"And that stuff doesn't have alcohol in it?" asked Hobbes.

"Oh, forget it! Anyway, it was action-y! Do you know what THAT means?"

"Unfortunately, yes." muttered Hobbes. "Another lunatic play, starring Mr-gets-in-trouble-after-every-scene."

"Hobbes! It's hard to carry on a conversation with you, when you mutter like that! I can't hear a word you're saying!"

"And that's just the way I like it."

"WHAT?"

"I said, Half to you."

Calvin rolled his eyes.

"Forget it!" he said. "now lets start! What was the first scene?"

"Does Mr Picky require that we start at the end credits?" asked Hobbes.

"SHUT UP!" screamed Calvin. "The first scene was the Spongebob's dream! Let's get started! MOM! CAN I HAVE A HAMBURGER!"

"Sure." said mom.

Calvin chuckled.

"HOLD THE CHEESE!" he yelled.

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

**The Calvinbob Hobbespants Movie**

**scene one: Spongebob dreams there's burger without cheese. **

"We have some kind problem in there." mumbled Hobbes the crab to a bunch of news reporters.

Something was wrong in the Krusty Krab. Very wrong.

"My script says that I can't talk about it 'till Calvin gets here." he said.

Just then, a voice rang out. "THERE HE IS!"

Calvin the sponge steps out of a sleek, black, car, a very serious expression on his face.

"Talk to me, Krabs." he said.

"don't you already know?" asked Hobbes the crab.

Calvin the sponge's eyes bulged, and he felt his temper rising.

"YOU MORON! IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE I'L..."

All of Bikini Bottom was staring at him.

"Erm... I mean... naughty crab! Tell me the situation, at once!"

Hobbes the crab sighed and said, "there's a guy in there, who doesn't have cheese on his burger (like that's such a catastrophe)."

"I'm going in!" said Calvin the sponge.

He burst into the Krusty Krab.

"Every thing's gonna be just fine." he said. "I'm the manager of this establishment."

The fish stared at Calvin the sponge.

Then said in dad's voice, "Calvin, what are you doing?"

"Ya got a family, Phil?" he asked.

"Calvin!" yelled this fish. "Get that burger out of my lap!"

Calvin the sponge snapped his fingers in front of the fish's face. "Stay with me, Phil, let's hear about that family!"

The fish glared at Calvin the sponge. "WILL YOU KNOCK THAT OFF, AND GET OUT OF HERE!"

"Now, I want you to do something for me, Phil." said Calvin the sponge. "Say cheese!"

Calvin the sponge bravely put the piece of cheese under the burger.

He then attempted to pick up the fish.

"CALVIN! PUT ME DOWN!"

Calvin the sponge, however, could not lift Phil up.

So, he just kicked him out of his chair, and pushed him to the door.

He kicked the door open, kicked Phil outside and yelled, "ORDER UP!"

Hobbes the crab had disappeared.

Phil jumped to his feet, and stalked for Calvin.

"AAAAA!" Calvin screamed as the monster fish buried him under... Hmmm... he just grabbed his hand, and sternly led him into the house.

Oops.

**END OF SCENE ONE OF THE CALVINBOB HOBBESPANTS MOVIE**

Dad flung Calvin into his room as Calvin screamed, "IT WAS ALL HOBBES' IDEA!"

SLAM!

"I noticed that I keep hearing that sound; slam." said Hobbes.

"Shut up, fuzzball!" screamed Calvin.

After a few days, Calvin was let out of his room again.

"Ok." said Calvin. "Next was the scene about the Goofy Goober ice creme place."

"Your mom isn't going to give you fifty bowls of ice creme, Calvin."

"Who said anything about ICE CREME?" Calvin pointed at his sandbox. "We're gonna MAKE ice creme!"

"Do you have some kind secret life insurance policy on me?"

"SHUT UP!" said Calvin, walking over to his sandbox.

**The Calvinbob Hobbespants Movie**

**scene two: insane peanut goes insaner and insanest**

"Calvin," said Hobbes the starfish. "Insaner and insanest aren't words."

"Be quiet!" yelled Calvin the sponge.

"Hey fellow Goofy Goobers!" yelled the Goofy Goober. "Time to sing!"

"NO!" screamed Hobbes the starfish. "I HATE THAT SONG!"

"Oh I'm a Goofy Goober, YEAH! You're a Goofy Goober, YEAH! We're all Goofy Goobers, YEAH! GOOFY GOOFY GOOBER GOOBER... **YEAH!**"

Meanwhile, Calvin the sponge, was crying for no particular reason, in the nut bar.

"Ok..." he sobbed. "Pull it together old boy... say, I fell a little better... I don't even remember WHY I was crying."

Hobbes the starfish walked up, didn't say anything, and sat down.

Calvin the sponge waited.

"WELL!" he screamed. "remind me!"

"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a hat." said Hobbes the starfish.

Calvin's eyes nearly popped out of his head.

"YOU MORON! IF WE WEREN'T BEING WATCHED BY BILLIONS OF SCREAMING FANS, I'D PULVERIZE YOU! YOU MORON! YOU IDIOT! YOU MANIAC! YOU..."

Calvin the sponge stopped. The entire Goofy Goober party boat had stopped singing, and was now staring at him.

Calvin the sponge chuckled.

"Heh, heh. My isn't Hobbes a good voice imitator? I mean, if you hadn't seen him, you would've thought it was it me! Heh, heh."

Everyone returned to their business.

Then, the waiter came up. He looked just as bored as Hobbes the starfish.

"Here's your triple goober berry sunrise, sir."

Calvin the sponge's eyes widened.

"Hmmm. Triple goober berry sunrise, huh? I guess I could use one of those."

"Here ya go." said the waiter.

"OOOOO!" said Calvin the sponge.

He grabbed a spoon, and started gobbling the ice creme down.

"You remember that that's just sand, don't you?" Hobbes the starfish said.

Calvin the sponge didn't hear him.

"Hey waiter!" he yelled. "Let's have another round over here."

The waiter set another triple goober berry sunrise down.

Calvin the sponge tore into it, splattering it all over the place.

"Oh, Mr Waiter! Two more please!"

"I don't want any." said Hobbes the starfish.

"Gobble, loble, laaack sdlsagf!"

"WAI...TOR!" yelled Calvin the sponge, crazed from the sugar.

"Jdkfhdkgdgjhgfjfgobblejdklgkhl!"

"WAITER!" Calvin the sponge screamed slamming his hands onto the table.

"Why do I always get the nuts?" asked the waiter.

**END OF SCENE TWO OF THE CALVINBOB HOBBESPANTS MOVIE**

"man, I'm glad THAT'S over." said Hobbes. "What's next?"

"Well," said Calvin. "Spongebob went on that journey to get the crown after Neptune accused Mr Krabs, and froze him..."

Calvin thought.

"Oh... OH! The PATTY WAGON!"

"Oh great." Said Hobbes.

**The Calvinbob Hobbespants Movie:**

**scene three: the mission begins.**

Calvin the sponge and Hobbes the starfish zoomed down to the bottom of the Krusty Krab.

They ran over to an elevator, and zoomed downward. To...THE PATTY WAGON!

"Shall I show you it's features?" asked Calvin the sponge.

"I've seen the movie, Calvin." sighed Hobbes the satrfish.

Calvin the sponge bit his lips.

"OH FINE!"

Calvin the sponge leaped into the patty wagon, and Hobbes the starfish climbed in.

"SHELL CITY! HERE WE COME!"

**The Calvinbob Hobbespants Movie:**

**scene three and a half: Plankton steals patty**

Calvin the plankton burst into the Krusty Krab.

"Hi, old buddy!" he said.

Hobbes the crab wasn't there.

"HOBBES!" screamed Calvin the plankton. "KING NEPTUNE FROZE YOU! REMEMBER!"

Hobbes the crab sighed, and walked into the room, and held still.

"One secret formula to go, please." said Calvin the Plankton.

Hobbes walked into the kitchen.

"HOBBES, GET BACK HERE!" screamed Calvin the plankton. "I'M SUPPOSED TO GET IT!"

Hobbes the crab walked back.

Calvin the plankton walked into the kitchen grumbling to himself.

**END OF THE TWO SCENE THREES OF THE CALVINBOB HOBBESPANTS MOVIE.**

"Ok." said Calvin. "Now that Spongebob's heading for Shell City, what happened next?"

"The end credits?" asked Hobbes.

"Shut up!" Calvin hissed. "The next GOOD scene was that weird fish with the legs."

"They're called frogfish." voiced Hobbes.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." said Calvin.

**The Calvinbob Hobbespants Movie**

**scene four: Frogfish**

"Hey, look. Free ice creme." yawned Hobbes, in the patty wagon.

"WHHEEE!" yelled Calvin pulling up into the drive.

Calvin leaped through a pile of bones to the ice creme stand.

Hobbes yawned and looked down at a skull on the ground.

"How are you doing?" he asked.

Then his eyes bulged.

"What a minute! WAIT! CALVIN!"

"Yeah?" said Calvin turning around.

"WHY DID YOU PUT A PILLOW HERE! THERE **SHOULD** BE A SKULL!"

The air hissed out of Calvin's lungs.

"Hobbes? May I ask you a personal question?"

"Shoot." said Hobbes leaning back in the patty wagon.

"Have you had the feeling that you might be going insane?" asked Calvin.

"Of corse." said Hobbes. "I live with you."

There was a long moment of silence.

Calvin spun around, and walked up to the ice creme lady.

"Two please." he said.

"Certainly." she said.

She pulled a tray of ice creme out.

"You kids enjoy."

"We're men, lady, but thanks." said Calvin matter-of-factly.

Calvin turned around.

"Ok, Hobbes, lets..."

Something was wrong.

The ice creme lady held onto the ice creme.

"LEGGO!" He yelled yanking on the bowel. "THIS IS MY ICE CREME! GET YOUR OWN!"

Calvin started kicking and screaming, trying to get the ice creme.

"HOBBES! GET OVER HERE AND EAT HER SO I CAN GET MY ICE CREME!" screamed Calvin.

"I'm saving room for the ice creme." yawned Hobbes.

"YOU STUPID CAT! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU..."

Just then, the lady's eyes and hair fell off.

"HEY! COOL!" said Calvin.

The ice creme stand fell over.

Calvin tried to let go of the ice creme but he was stuck to it.

Just then, two eyes popped out of the ground.

Followed by rows of teeth.

"AAAAAAA!" screamed Calvin.

The "ice creme lady" was just part of a giant frogfish's tongue!

Calvin quickly reached up, and bit the arm off the "old lady" he bounced off the frogfish's teeth and landed in the... PLOP!

Dirt.

"Hobbes! You maniac tiger! You were SUPPOSED to drive the car over here, and catch me!"

"What's my motivation?" asked Hobbes.

"YOU MANIAC!" Calvin stood up, and jumped into the Patty Wagon.

The frogfish roared.

"STEP ON IT, HOBBES!" screamed Calvin.

"Step on what?" asked Hobbes.

"THE GAS PEDAL, YOU IDIOT!"

Hobbes slammed his foot into the gas pedal and roared off, the frogfish right behind him.

"JUMP FOR IT HOBBES!" screamed Calvin.

Calvin and Hobbes jumped off the Patty Wagon as the frogfish leaped through the air, and gobbled the whole thing down.

But, it had jumped over the edge of a cliff.

And then, things got worse for the frogfish.

Just then, a huge eel leaped up, and grabbed the frogfish in it's huge jaws.

CHOMP!

"AAAAAA!" screamed Calvin as the eel gobbled it up. "IT'S TOO GRAPHIC!"

"Calvin!"

huh?

**END OF SCENE FOUR OF THE CALVINBOB HOBBESPANTS MOVIE**

Calvin had just screamed at his mother, who, at the moment, was eating a jelly donut.

"Calvin!" she repeated. "Please keep your comments to yourself!"

"THE GUTS ARE SPILLING OUT!" screamed Calvin, as Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"What did I just tell you, young man?" mom hissed.

"SO... TERRIBLE! THE POOR FISH!"

"CALVIN! GET OUT OF HERE!" screamed mom.

"Well," said Hobbes. "At least you didn't burn a bunch of books, to avoid winter."

"SHUT UP!" snapped Calvin. "Next was that scene about the hired killer, wasn't it?" asked Calvin.

"I believe so, yes." yawned Hobbes.

"OK!" said Calvin. "I'LL be Dennis, and YOU play both parts of Spongebob and Patrick."

"Oh goody." said Hobbes. "I play as Mr Squeakbox, and Dr Pinky."

**The Calvinbob Hobbespants Movie:**

**scene five: Mr Squeakbox meets Dr I been hired to step on you.**

"At last!" said Calvin the killer.

Hobbes the sponge yawned and looked up at Calvin the killer.

"May I help you, stupid?"

"WHAT!" said Calvin the killer.

"I said, what's up, doc?"

"The name's Dennis... I mean, Calvin! I've been hired to step on you... I mean, exterminate you." said Calvin the killer.

"Well, I saw a bug over there, Mr exterminator, maybe you could go over there."

"Very funny, Hobbes!" Calvin the killer said. "you know perfectly well what I meant!"

"CUE THE FOOT!" yelled Hobbes the starfish.

"NO!" screamed Calvin the killer. "I'M NOT READY YET!"

SQUASH!

Too late. Bigger boot had already slammed into Calvin the killer.

**THE LAME ENDING OF SCENE FIVE OF THE CALVINBOB HOBBESPANTS MOVIE**

"Well THAT was a disaster!" Yelled Mr Whine and complain. "Next time, you let ME say cue the foot!"

A huge shadow loomed over Calvin.

"AAAA! DON'T STEP ON ME!"screamed Calvin putting his hands over his head.

It was dad.

"What are you talking about, Calvin?" asked dad.

Calvin glared at Hobbes.

"Ok," he said, after dad left. "The next scene was when Spongebob had to escape from Shell City, and get back to Bikini Bottom!"

"Do you even know what a Bikini is?" asked Hobbes.

Calvin ignored him.

"LETS GO!" he said, exitedly.

**The Calvinbob Hobbespants Movie**

**scene six: Shell City shipped a shipment of shipy stuff! Pretty good tongue twister, huh?**

"That was the lamest tongue twister I've ever seen in my life!" said Hobbes the starfish.

"Nobody asked you." said Calvin the sponge.

Just then, a HUGE cyclops burst into the room and...

"Calvin that was a scuba diver wearing one of those 1800's scuba suits."

"Will you shut up?" asked Calvin the sponge. "I'm TRYING to direct a movie!"

... burst into the room, and laughed an ugly laugh!

He then walked over to his desk and pulled out... A GLUE BOTTLE THINGY AND A BOTTLE OF GOOGLY EYES!

Isn't that terrifying and violent!

"Blue's Clues is more violent then THIS." sighed Hobbes the starfish.

"Who asked you?" spat Calvin the sponge.

The cycolps...

"scuba diver."

... the whatever it was stalked over Calvin the sponge and Hobbes the starfish.

"How can we breath if we're in a fish bowl?" observed Hobbes the starfish.

"Quit changing the subject!" said Calvin the sponge, as he was grabbed by the scuba cyclops.

Both were then threw onto a drawing table with a hot lamp over them.

"Your mom is going to kill you." said Hobbes the starfish staring up at the lamp.

Calvin the sponge ignored him.

"Well buddy... this is it." muttered Calvin the sponge under the intense heat.

"Uh-oh... your mom just came outside." warned Hobbes the starfish.

"Shut up! As I was saying, I don't if we're going to make..."

"Calvin, she just saw the lamp. I... uh-oh... I'm leaving!"

Hobbes the starfish jumped up, and ran away.

Calvin the sponge lifted his head.

"HEY!" he yelled. "GET BACK HERE, MORON!"

"CALVIN WHAT HAVE YOU _DONE_!"

HUH?

**END OF SCENE SIX OF THE CALVINBOB HOBBESPANTS MOVIE**

Somehow, Calvin had dragged his dad's work desk out of the house, and was now laying on it with a heat lamp hanging over him from a tree.

And, of corse, Hobbes was nowhere to be seen.

"Mom!" Calvin said. "Don't try to save me! The cyclops will... uh... AAAAAA!"

Calvin attempted his escape, but failed.

He then got pitched back into his room, where Hobbes was waiting on the bed, reading a comic book.

Later, Calvin was freed from prison, again, and tried his luck again with his lunatic play.

"We're almost done, Hobbes." Calvin said.

"well, it took three weeks to do." said Hobbes.

Calvin ignored him.

"Next was the scene where Dennis came back on the oblivious life guard, who didn't do ANYTHING to help Spongebob and Patrick! He was just their stupid boat!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

**The Calvinbob Hobbespants Movie**

**scene... which was it? I forgot. Scene question mark: Dennis goes insane next to life guard.**

Just then, Dennis leaped form beyond, and tried to step on everybody.

Again.

Hobbes sat back into a lounge chair, and gave everybody blank stares.

Calvin glared at him, then attempted to run away from the evil Dennis!

Just then a huge boat came up, and bonked Dennis on the head: The End!

**THE EVEN LAMER ENDING FOR SCENE WHATSIT FOR THE CALVINBOB HOBBESPANTS MOVIE**

"gee." said Hobbes. "You must have won the record for lamest scene in America."

"Shut up!" said Calvin. "I got director's block!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"Now then." said Calvin. "At last we come to our closing. Drum roll, please."

Hobbes knocked his fists into a tree trunk making a sort of "drum roll"

"GOOFY GOOBER ROCK! Remember? After Spongebob got the crown back?"

"Mmmm-Hmmm." said Hobbes.

Calvin ran into the attic, returning minutes later with dad's old guitar.

"I hear another slam coming up." warned Hobbes.

**The Calvinbob Hobbespants Movie:**

**final scene: Goofy Goober Insane Rock... I need another word that begins with "G"**

"SO YEAH, I'M A KID!" yelled Calvin. "And I'm also a goofball and a wingnut and a knucklehead Mc-whatever it was-tron!"

Hobbes yawned.

"But most of all I'm... I'M... **I'M**..."

Calvin leaped up, wearing cool sunglasses, and holding his dad's old guitar.

"I'M A GOOFY GOOBER, rock! **ROCK**!"

Calvin screamed in a high of tone voice.

Hobbes held his ears.

Calvin wouldn't last ten seconds in a choir.

"YOU'RE A GOOFY GOOBER, rock! **ROCK!**"

Calvin slammed his hands into the guitar making a loud BONG sound as he continued screaming.

"WE'RE _ALL_ GOOFY GOOBERS, rock! **ROCK!**"

Hobbes had disappeared.

"GOOFY GOOFY GOOFY GOOFY GOOBER, **ROCK!**"

there was someone coming into the Krusty Krab.

"Put your TOYS away... well all I gotta SAY is when ya tell ME not ta play... I SAY NO WAY! GOOFY GOOBER **ROCK!**"

"CALVIN!" screamed dad. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY GUITAR!"

uuuuhhhhhh.

Oops.

**END OF THE CALVINBOB HOBBESPANTS MOVIE**

Calvin had broken one... two... several strings trying to sing the song and... oh no... dad was looming over Calvin, like bigger boot.

"Dad!" complained Calvin. "Let me at LEAST get to the part about the lasers shooting out of the thing! That's the BEST part!"

dad's eyes seemed to turn red.

"THAT WAS MY GUITAR THAT'S BEEN IN MY FAMILY FOR AGES!"

"Ages?" said Calvin. "You look older then THAT!"

"ROOM! NOW!" Calvin's dad managed to say.

"You just have to replace the strings! I didn't _destroy_ that piece of junk!" Calvin screamed, and dad slammed the door.

"wow." said Hobbes. "My future telling abilities about door slamming is great. Maybe I have ESP!"

"SHUT UP!" Calvin spat.

He then moped and pouted for weeks... Until the next movie came on that is.

**THE END?**

_Swing123:_ ok, NOW I'll do LOTBB. I promise! Please review! Also, let me know if you think this is kinda incomplete. I'll try to fix it.


	4. The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats

**Movie four**

**Lord of the Baseball Bats**

_Swing123: Welcome back, reader. This latest parody is for the Lord of the Rings movies. Sorry this took a long time. First I had to go see the movie again, then the document got deleted three times. This was a difficult story, so I hope you like it._

_Garfieldodie: Thanks for the suggestion. I'll put Ghostbreakers on the list._

_Who Knows: Yes, I will do the Lost World, and Jurassic Park III. I'll do it right after this one!_

_Also, I'd like to point out the rating limit on this story is Rated G, PG, and PG-13. I will do no movies over that rating. (The reason for this is that Calvin's parents would never allow any Rated R movies. They barely even allow PG. They've probably blocked those, anyway.) Therefore, _Terminator_ will not be done, neither _Dawn of The Dead, Nightmare on Elm Street _or any other R Rated, or blood spurting horror movies you have or will suggest. Thanks._

_Ok, here we go with LOTBB!_

**Part one:**

**The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats**

Calvin and Hobbes had just finished watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

When it was done, Calvin blinked.

"What a strange movie." He said.

Hobbes spun around, and looked at him in shock.

"WHAT?" He said.

"Don't get me wrong." Said Calvin holding up a hand. "It was very enjoyable and actiony, but all this fuss over a stupid ring!"

Hobbes blinked.

Calvin went on. "I mean, any dumby can go get a ring at a jewelry store. What kind of moron orc would care about such a dumb ol' ring?"

"Well, Calvin," Hobbes said. "That was supposed to be a _magic_ ring. Not just your every day 'will you marry me' ring."

"As far as _I'm _concerned, a ring's a ring, and there's nothing else to it! Why didn't those orcs go after something interesting... like a baseball bat?"

Hobbes' eyes glazed over. "A _baseball bat!_ Why on Earth would they care about a baseball bat?"

"Why on Earth would they care about a ring?" Calvin asked.

"Good point." Considered Hobbes.

"Now why don't we just go _fix _these movies?" Calvin said.

"Lets not, and say we did." Muttered Hobbes.

"WHAT!" Calvin yelled.

"Half to you." Said Hobbes.

"Get outside!" Calvin grumbled.

But before they could get outside, Mom came up to Calvin.

"Get dressed, Calvin, we're going, now."

"Going where?" Calvin questioned.

"I told you!" Mom sighed. "We're going to see the Dirkins."

Calvin screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAA! NO! We can't!" He shouted. "Me and Hobbes were gonna start Lord of the Baseball Bats!"

"Calvin, I told you not to watch that movie!" Mom said, suspiciously.

Calvin's eyes rolled around.

"Well, uh... That's why were doing the play. So we can see it!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"Even so," Mom said. "We _have _to go."

"**_WHY!_**" Calvin yelled.

"Because It's Mr. Dirkins' birthday!" Spat Mom. "And you are to be polite to all the guests there!"

"Your violating fourteen G.R.O.S.S. rules, Mom!" Calvin snarled.

"Calvin what do you think about my tie?" Asked Dad walking up to Calvin.

"Belongs in the garbage!" Spat Calvin.

"This one?" Asked Dad holding up another one.

"goes in the garbage disposal!" Calvin yelled.

"This one?" Sighed Dad holding up another.

"Belongs in the dump!"

"Oh forget it." Said Dad.

"Get into the car." Mom said, opening the car door. "And you are to be nice to the guests."

"Great!" Calvin yelled. "First I have to be fashion consultant, now I have to be an actor!"

On the way to Susie's house, Calvin talked to Hobbes about how they were going to do their play.

"Perhaps your mom will let you play on their back lawn while Mr. Dirkins celebrates his birthday."

"Will you quite calling them that?" Calvin cried. "We have to find some way to get that play in!"

When the gang made it to the Dirkins's house, there were already some cars there.

Calvin asked Mom if he could play in the front yard, and she said he could.

* * *

"Ok." Said Calvin looking over at Susie who was playing in her sandbox. "We'll stay over here, some sixty yards from Susie, so we won't violate any more G.R.O.S.S. rules. We'll have to do the play in this part of the yard."

"Mmmm-hmmm." Said Hobbes not looking up from ground.

**The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats**

**scene one: That weirdo wearing the mask can't wear a baseball bat on his finger, so just sit down and shut up!**

_There are many kinds of baseball bats. There are baseball bats for the elves and their baseball team. Some of the humans have baseball bats for their team. So do those drooling idiots... erm... I mean Dwarfs. But then... THERE IS THE EVIL BASEBALL BAT! from the evil Sith comes the..._ "

Calvin, I think you mean "orcs". "Sith" is for Star Wars." Said Hobbes the warrior.

_Shut up. Now then, from the evil whatever comes the all terrible... THE ONE BASEBALL BAT! This terrible so forth would be able to DESTROY Middle of the baseball Earth!_

"Huh boy." Sighed Hobbes the warrior.

_One day, A TERRIBLE WAR WAS HELD!_

There was a moment of silence.

_I SAID a terrible war was held!_

"What? Oh yeah, right." Said Hobbes the warrior.

He pulled a long sword from his... Whatever you call that thing that you keep swords in.

"Where'd you get this willow branch?" Hobbes the warrior asked examining the sword.

_Shut up and attack the enemy!_

"What enemy?"

_that!_

"That's Susie." Said Hobbes the warrior.

_ATTACK!_ Hobbes the warrior shrugged, and walked over to the evil guy with the _one _baseball bat.

He gave Calvin the narrator a evil grin, then...

WHACK!

"AAAAAA! CAL-VIN!"

_OH NO!_

**END OF SCENE ONE OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BASEBALL BATS.**

As far as Susie could see, Calvin had just thrown two things at her.

One was a gnarled willow branch, and the other was a stuffed tiger.

Susie jumped up, pitched the stick back at Calvin, who ducked, then went crying into the house.

Moments later, Mom Burst outside, her eyes like two flaming embers ready to burn something in half.

Oops.

"RUN HOBBES!" Calvin screamed at the stuffed tiger on the ground. "DON'T LOOK BACK! RU-U-U-U-U-U-N!

Calvin hit full turbo on all engines and roared away like a panicking cheetah.

Calvin felt the wind slap his face as... As Mom grabbed his shirt collar and carried him into the house.

Calvin got stuck singing happy birthday to Mr Dirkins.

But then, while Mr Dirkins was blowing out the candles, Calvin snuck away with Hobbes.

"Hobbes do you suppose we could find a baseball bat here?" Calvin asked once they were outside.

"Maybe." Said Hobbes. "Susie doesn't like sports but her dad probably has one." Calvin and Hobbes looked all around the attic, tool shed, and garage until they found a baseball bat.

**The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats**

**scene two: dementor thing attacks three stupid hobbits **

"Actually, there were four, Calvin." Hobbes the hobbit said.

"Shut up." Calvin the hobbit said.

Just then... A GIGANTIC DEMENTOR RODE FROM THE ROAD!

"Calvin, dementors are from Harry Potter. These were called Black Riders."

"Shut up, and hide behind the log." Calvin the hobbit muttered.

All two hobbits hid behind the log as the EVIL black Dement-ride looked around like a moron looking for THE ONE BASEBALL BAT!

Slowly the moron with the black hood over his ugly head began to reach behind the LOG.

However, somebody threw A BAG...

"WILL YOU QUIT SCREAMING!" Hobbes screamed.

"I'M NOT SCREAMING!" Calvin screamed.

Calvin and Hobbes started arguing about screaming while the other two hobbits and the black whatsit stared at them waiting for them to stop.

**END OF SCENE TWO OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BASEBALL BATS**

Calvin and Hobbes continued arguing.

"I WAS NOT SCREAMING!"

"YOUR SCREAMING RIGHT NOW, BARF BRAIN!"

"FUR FACE!"

"DUMBBELL!"

"TUNA BREATH!"

Hobbes gasped.

"You take that back!" he yelled.

After about five minutes, they stopped fighting, applied band-aids onto their wounds, and continued their play.

Much to Hobbes' disappointment.

**The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats**

**scene three: two dummies fight with a stick.**

"I WILL FIGHT YOU!" Calvin the Grey yelled.

"Mmm-hmmm." Hobbes the White muttered.

"Fear me!" Calvin the gray yelled. Hobbes the White yawned, and didn't respond.

"I SAID FEAR ME!"

"Mmm-hmm." Hobbes the white yawned, and held up HIS STAFF!

Calvin the Grey is being flung around by the magical STAFF!

"I'm liking this already." Hobbes the White grinned.

Just then, Calvin the so forth is STRUCK DUMB! AND FALLS TO THE GROUND!

"If I remember what happened in the movie, Gandalf was flying upward, not to the ground."

"Shut up."

**END OF SCENE THREE OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BASEBALL BATS**

"Now things are just a bunch of boring junk until we get to the part about the dumb-dumbs going to Mount Doom, so we'll just skip over to that." Calvin said.

**The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats**

**scene four: The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats**

Calvin the Hobbit carries the baseball bat across the freezing tundras of British Columbia. Pretty COOL, Huh?

For a reason for no particular interest, Calvin the Hobbit is backed up by Hobbes the white wizard and ...uh... several other people I won't bother to mention. As they walked across the freezing so forth they came to a huge mountain range.

"What do we do?" Asked Calvin the Hobbit. Shielding the wind with his Baseball Bat.

"Go away." Said the stupid... erm... Said Hobbes the white wizard.

"But we will not make it!" Said Calvin the other hobbit.

"GET UP THERE AND END THE SCENE!" Hobbes the wizard snapped.

Calvin the hobbit grumbled to himself. "I'm sorry my ten billion screaming fans."

"Yes, and the ten billion screaming fans, that are poor." Said Hobbes the wizard. "Let us pity them, for they are poor. Now lets get moving."

**END OF SCENE FOUR OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BASEBALL BATS**

Calvin glared at Hobbes, and then continued.

"Ok, now, they enter that dumb cave and a troll attacks them. As well as a bunch of orcs, and a bull-rock."

"Mmm." Hobbes said.

**The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats**

**scene five: trolls and orces and a big red thing**

Calvin the hobbit carries the ONE BASEBALL BAT into some cave.

He and the rest of the people who I won't bother to mention walked through the cave with THE ONE BASEBALL BAT!

"Must you scream like that each time you mention Baseball?" Asked Hobbes the Wizard.

"Yes." Calvin the hobbit said, simply.

Just then, A BIG STUPID HOBBIT DROPS ONE MEASLY PEBBLE DOWN A WELL!

"Quickly, Hobbes wizard closes the big doors." Said Calvin the hobbit.

Hobbes the wizard just stood there.

"CLOSE THE STUPID DOOR!" Calvin the hobbit screamed.

Hobbes the Wizard lazily closed the door as FIFTY BILLION THINGS FROM PLUTO ATTEMPT TO GET THE **_ONE BASEBALL BAT!_**

Hobbes the Wizard rolled his eyes and tried to ignore Calvin the hobbit.

Just then, the door broke down, and billions of things from Pluto started screaming like morons.

And above it all, THE UGLY TROLL!

"DEATH TO ORCS!" Calvin the elf said sending fifteen arrows at the stupids.

Then, THE GIANT AND UGLY TROLL APPEARED! He attacked Calvin the hobbit who...

"why do you get to be the dwarf, elf, and the four hobbits and I get to be one measly wizard?"Asked Hobbes the wizard.

Before Calvin the hobbit could yell and scream at him to shut up, the EVIL troll punched Calvin the stomach!

However, Calvin the hobbit was wearing a bullet proof jacket and defeated the stupid!

Then all the orcs that survived suddenly died for no particular interest

And a big red thing with a whip stepped out of no where.

"RUN!" Screamed Hobbes the... Wait. Do you know what he did?

He just ignored the EVIL BULL-ROCK!

Ok that did it. Calvin the hobbit jumpped into the middle of Hobbes wizard, and started beating him with the baseball bat.

Somehow, Hobbes the wizard managed to climb on top of Calvin the hobbit's head, grab the baseball bat, and started beating _him_ with it.

Finally Calvin the hobbit gave up, and ran off.

With the stupid... With Hobbes the wizard twirling the baseball bat on his fingers, while walking along down the hallway.

However, on the bridge between something and something else, Hobbes the wizard bravely... Um, no... _lazily_ turned around with his staff in one hand.

"Go away." He screamed... erm... muttered... plunging the white stick into the bridge.

Both of them fell into the bottomless pit.

The end.

**END OF SCENE FIVE OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BASEBALL BATS**

"Interesting on how you give me the part on the dead guy." Hobbes observed. "It makes one wonder..."

"Shut up." Calvin said. "Next was the scene where they get separated, and the two dummies find a living tree, and the other two dummies with the baseball bat meet Dr stupid, aka Smuggle."

"Smeegle." Hobbes corrected.

"Whatever."

**The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats**

**Final scene: everything that Calvin just said.**

Just then, some moron who wanted the ring I mean Baseball Bat, grabbed Calvin the hobbit, and attempted to get to... THE ONE BASEBALL...

Hobbes quickly slapped Calvin over the mouth before he could finish. "Shut up." He said to the shocked kid.

"Whatever." Calvin said. Calvin broke away from the stupid, and ran off, with Hobbes **_not_** at his heals.

That dumb tiger.

Calvin rushed away, but then, as the stupid grabbed him again, Calvin...

Calvin paused.

He thought for a long time before stopping the scene.

**NOT THE END OF FINAL SCENE OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BASEBALL BATS**

"Hobbes!" Calvin yelled. "How do you get the baseball bat to make you invisible?"

"It was your idea to use a bat." Hobbes said. "You tell me." Calvin thought. Then he said,

"How about if you bang it into your head once, you'll turn invisible, and when you do it again, ya turn visible, again?"

"This should be interesting." Hobbes said.

**NOW WE SHALL CONTINUE FINAL SCENE OF THE BLAH BLAH BLAH.**

Calvin banged his head into the baseball bat.

POOF.

He vanished in a puff of pink smoke.

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

Then the stupid realized where he was, and sent millions of ugly orcs to get'em!

Calvin ran down the bank, visible again, and get into a boat.

Hobbes walked up, and stared at him, dully, as he floated away.

"STAY HERE, HOBBES!" Calvin called. "IT'S TOO DANGEROUS!"

"Gotchya." Hobbes said, turning around.

"GET INTO THIS BOAT, YOU STUPID TIGER!" Calvin screamed.

Hobbes, looking deeply disappointed, got into the boat with Calvin.

"Now we will sail off for that creepy place with the lava!" Calvin said. "

**_CALVIN!_**" screamed a voice.

Calvin looked around, but saw no one.

"Hello? Anybody there?"

"**_CALVIN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?_**"

"Whoopsy."

**END OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BASEBALL BATS**

Calvin found himself sitting in the middle of a torn up yarn.

Huh.

He hadn't noticed it until the end.

Most of the grass was torn, and dirt was showing.

Several trees and been reduced to tall poles in the dirt.

And Calvin was covered in grass stains and dirt.

Oops.

Oh, and Hobbes was no where in sight.

How did that dumb tiger do that?

Calvin was tied to the seatbelt in the car.

Calvin's parents were in the middle of begging for an apology to the Dirkins.

"Well, I guess you got in trouble, again." Hobbes said.

"I guess I did!" Calvin spat.

"Have you learned your lesson on the plays that seemed to be cursed?"

"No." Calvin said. "Next time we get out of the house we're beginning part two!"

"Oh Joy." Hobbes said.

"And you can cut the sarcasm!" Calvin spat.

When Calvin's parents got into the car, Dad said, "Kid, when we get home, you'll never see the light of day, again!"

Hoo-boy. Calvin was in for a rough drive home.

**To be Continued...**

_COMING SOON! **PART TWO:** The Two Loons_ (The Two Towers)


	5. The Two Loons

**Movie four**

**Lord of the Baseball Bats**

**Part two: **

**The Two Loons**

Due to how he had wrecked the Dirkins' yard, Calvin had to spent three weeks cleaning it up, and earning money for their repairs.

It wasn't pretty.

Hobbes had enjoyed this greatly, because since Calvin wasn't around much, anymore, Hobbes could read Calvin's comic books without interference.

But then, at last, Calvin had fulfilled his punishment, and he was ready for... Try and guess what he was ready for.

A. Bed

B. Lord of the Baseball Bats, part two

C. comic books.

Those of you who chose A or C, your not reading enough of these stories.

Calvin burst into his room, screamed at Hobbes to put his comic book down, and to go outside to begin part two.

**The Two Loons**

**scene one: Smuggle. Smeegle. Golum. Oh, Whatever.**

The big stupid bald thing that dresses like a cave man, crawled down from the rock and down to the Hobbits.

"Stupid fat hobbitses!" It spat. "It stole it from us! Filthy little thieves!"

Just then Hobbes the hobbit burst out laughing.

"You sound like George Washington banging his head against a piano!"

"Lay down and act like you're asleep!" Gollum the Calvin spat.

Hobbes the hobbit, still snickering, and muttering laughs, he lied down, and pretended to be asleep.

Gollum crawled from the rock. Instantly, Hobbes jumped up, and tied a rope to his neck.

"CALVIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

**END OF SCENE ONE OF THE TWO LOONS**

Calvin had just tied a rope to his neck, and tied the other end on Hobbes' paw.

Calvin was kicked into his room.

"Ok ," Calvin said the next day. "The next scene was the walking tree."

"What are you going to do to make the trees walk? Dare I ask?" Hobbes asked.

"Just do the scene." Calvin muttered.

**The Two Loons**

**scene two: a big walking tree**

Calvin and Hobbes the two hobbits walk through the forest of forbiddenness.

Or something.

Just then, an orc leaps out of no where, and attacks the two... Splat!

Never mind, a tree stepped on him.

HUH?

Wait trees don't step on people.

Maybe they should, but they don't.

Any way, a big so forth stepped on the so forth, and killed the so forth.

Then a big stupid tree with eyes bent over, said hello, and picked 'em up.

And no, I don't know why.

Go ask the tree.

**END OF SCENE TWO OF THE TWO LOONS**

"What happened after that?" Hobbes asked.

"The return of Gandalf, of corse!" Calvin yelled.

"Oh." Hobbes rolled his eyes.

**The Two Loons**

**scene three: The return of Stupid... I mean Gandalf.**

The three morons called Erogon, Elfy, and drooling moronic dwraf searched the surrounding area for something of no particular interest.

Just then, a flash of light appeared!

Elfy shot an arrow at the...

"Why do I have to be the dwarf?"

...at the white flash.

It threw it away.

Drooling moronic dwarf didn't do Anything.

Moron.

Then the white flash talked about something I won't bother to mention, then turned into Gandalf.

Only now, he was wearing a white suit.

He told some story about the bull-rock that I won't bother to mention, and made everybody kneel.

Everybody did except Drooling moronic dwarf that is.

He just stood there.

**END OF SCENE THREE OF THE TWO LOONS**

"So, what happened after that?" Hobbes asked. "Dare I ask."

Calvin thought.

"Well, if I recall, the next scene was where they released Smuggle..." "Smeegle" "Whatever. ...and he showed them that swamp with dead guys in it."

Hobbes was surprised that Calvin could talk about that scene without shuddering.

**The Two Loons**

**scene four: dead guys just happen to go into swamps, you moron**

"Don't follow the lights, stupid fat hobitses. Follow me." Hobbes the hobbit rolled his eyes, and followed Smuggle.

Or whatever he was called.

"YOU IDIOT! FOLLOW THE LIGHTS!" Smuggle screamed.

Hobbes shrugged, and walked toward a light.

It was then that the light seemed to be calling him.

"Ho-o-o-o-o-o-bbes! Walk toward the li-i-i-i-i-i-i-ght!"

Hobbes followed the light, with a dreamy look on his face.

"Walk toward the li-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ght..."

Hobbes reached the light, and reached inside it.

"GET OUT OF THAT REFRIGERATOR, YOU MORONIC CAT!"

**END OF SCENE FOUR OF THE TWO LOONS**

Calvin muttered throughout the next few minutes.

"I tell you to follow the light, so what do you do? You walk toward the refrigerator bulb. You idiot."

Hobbes licked his lips, as he finished his tuna.

"Now then, the next scene was where Gandalf gives that king eternal youth, and throws the guy who needs to brush his teeth out of the palace."

"Mmm." Hobbes replied.

**The Two Loons**

**scene five: The guy with a worm for a tongue gets thrown on the stairs.**

"Be ten years old!" Yelled Gandalf the white, throwing his what-ja-ma-call-it magic stick thing at the king of some land I can't remember the name of right now.

The evil wormear guy who wants him to be old, makes a shocked face.

Hobbes make a shocked face.

"No." Worm head said.

fine!

Mr old becomes very, very, young.

And then Wormnose is thrown out of the house.

The king was gonna kill him, (and of corse, drooling moronic dwarf didn't do anything about it) but Ear-a-gon stopped him.

"You certainly drive the readers crazy with adjectives." Hobbes said.

"Shut up." Calvin spat.

**END OF SCENE FIVE OF THE TWO LOONS**

"Well, that was painful." Hobbes sighed. "what next?"

"After that, Wormfoot goes to the evil Gandalf, and does...something or other. I don't particularly want to do that scene so let's just skip ahead to when Ear-a-something or other falls off the cliff."

"Goody." Hobbes sighed.

**The Two Loons**

**scene six: Some guy with an ear falls off a cliff**

"BACK!" Ear guy screamed as the demented hyena with the even more demented orc on top of it closed in on him.

While Drooling Moronic Dwarf just stood there, looking simple, a raging battle went on where the well dressed decent humans fought the not well dressed ugly orcs.

It was then that Calvin realized that Hobbes wasn't around.

"HEY!" Ear guy screamed. "Where's The drooling moronic dwarf?"

No answer.

Earguywasthenpushedofftheclifftheend.

**RAPID END OF SCENE SIX OF THE TWO LOONS**

Calvin marched around to the side of the house to find Hobbes reading a comic book in the hammock.

"What are you doing in there!" Calvin demanded. "We had to rapidly end the sixth scene because the simple-minded dwarf wasn't there!"

"And I suppose _that_ was a catastrophe." Hobbes said, turning the page of the comic book.

"Indeed it was, and PUT THAT COMIC BOOK DOWN BEFORE I DESTROY YOU!"

Hobbes sighed, and placed the comic book on the picnic bench.

"Now maybe if you hurry up, I'll think about skipping ahead to the climactic battle!"

"Ah yes, the ultimate "Get in Calvin in trouble."" Hobbes said. "The final scene in the movie."

**The Two Loons**

**final scene: the climatic battle.**

"DIE!" screamed billions of orcs and orc like creatures.

They started pelting a big roof with people on it with lots and lots of arrows, thus proving that these dumbbell orcs have never heard of nuclear weaponry.

The humans get out a huge C-bomb and...

("Calvin, the people of Middle Earth didn't _have _bombs."

Calvin spun around to Hobbes.

"Who's the director of this movie?" He demanded.

"Uh..." Hobbes said, rolling his eyes around.

"That's right! ME! I'm the captain of this ship, and I say the people of so forth land _did_ have bombs! Who wants to watch a bunch dumbys throwing arrows at each other?"

"Um..."

"Exactly! No one!"

"What about your so called screaming fans?" Hobbes asked.

"NO THEY DON...!" Calvin thought for a second. "Ya know... I dunno. I'd have to ask them."

Calvin and Hobbes turned to the audience.

"Ok, people! It's up to you! Do you want bombs or arrows?"

There was a moment of silence.

"HEY!" Calvin yelled. "We're talking to you! ARROWS OR NO ARROWS!"

Silence.

"LISTEN BUB! WE'RE INSIDE AN INTERNET STORY, AND YOU CAN'T JUST MUTTER OR MUMBLE! **WE WANT ANSWERS NOW!**" Calvin screamed.

There was a moment of silence.

"That's better!" Calvin screamed. "HEY YOU! The guy in West Virginia! **I DIDN'T HEAR YOU!**"

Calvin turned to Hobbes.

"Fine, we'll use arrows.")

The mighty humans take a bunch of arrows and started shooting ugly orcs.

Hundreds of orcs drop dead.

Meanwhile, a bunch of trees run around in circles, knocking buildings over, and breaking water dams thus flooding everything.

Then the surviving ones take a big log, and start banging it into the castle door.

(Calvin picked up a log, and started running it into the door of the house.

"Oh boy." Hobbes sighed, slinking off.)

Suddenly, the door is knocked over, and billions of orcs swarm into the...

"CALVIN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THIS DOOR!"

Um... hmm..

(Calvin looked down at the, gulp, door)

uh-oh.

Humansdramaticallydefeatorcstheend!

**END OF THE TWO LOONS**

Calvin's eyes drifted from dad to the door to dad, then back to the door.

A deadly silence filed the land.

And Hobbes was no where in sight.

Calvin rolled his eyes in Dad's direction and gulped.

Dad's eyes narrowed to slits, and his nostrils flared.

"Ah, heh, heh." He chuckled. "You see, there were these orcs and uh... a battering ram and... hmmm... you know, you really caught me at a bad time here, Dad."

We needn't go into details.

Let's just say that Calvin was in trouble.

Lots and lots, and **_LOTS_** of trouble.

After three weeks, Calvin was let out of his room, and then he and Hobbes began the last part in the Lord of the Baseball Bats.

Of corse, Hobbes was less than thrilled to continue it.

Of corse, Calvin didn't care.

The most enthralling, gripping, and climatic ending of the so forth.

Perhaps the most weirdest and trouble causingest too.

**To be continued...**


	6. The Return of the Weirdo

_Swing123:_ _Well, after several months of putting it off, and trying to recover from writer's block, I have just now finished THE RETURN OF THE WEIRDO. However, I've changed it just slightly to make the story funnier and hopefully easier to write._

_Also, as my movie request list is getting too big, there will be some limits.  
__1) Only movies Rated G, PG, and PG-13 will be accepted.  
__2) I've received PMs from people asking me to do movies that are PG-13, but still have way to much blood and gore in it to be classified as a Calvin and Hobbes Wild Movie Collection movie. So I will not do horror films.  
__3) I can't do movies that are in theaters. There ARE some movies in theaters right now that I would like to do, but I need to be able to refer back to the movie so that I can get the scenes correct.

* * *

_

Socrates was walking down the sidewalk one day, whistling to himself, and watching the birds flying over head.

"Ah summer." he said. "That one time of year when the Earth is five feet sun, the kids are out of school, and pranksters emerge from their long winter nap to bring joy to world!"

Socrates stopped and sighed.

"What is this wonderful day missing?"

"HELP!" screamed a voice.

Socrates looked up.

"Ah yes! A fool to prank!"

At that very moment, Hobbes came running up.

"Socrates, quick! You've gotta hide me!"

"Giant mutant chickens emerged from the sewers, again?" Socrates asked, excitedly. "I need to go get my camera!"

Hobbes grabbed Socrates' arm.

"No! It's not that! It's even worse!"

"HO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OBBES!" Calvin's voice called. "Get over here!"

"There it is!" Hobbes gasped. "Hide me!"

Hobbes dove behind Socrates.

Socrates blinked.

Then he saw Calvin walking down the sidewalk, towards him.

He turned to Hobbes.

"Don't worry, Hobbo, I'll protect you from the fierce spike head!"

Hobbes glared at him.

Socrates ran Hobbes to a tree, and shoved him onto one of the tree branches.

He then ran back to sidewalk to greet Calvin.

Calvin walked up to him, and got straight to the point.

"Alright, kitty, kitty, Where's Hobbes?!"

"You mean that philosophical guy who lived in the 1700s?"

"You know perfectly well who I'm talking, So-crates!"

"So crates." Socrates said to himself. "That's interesting. A mixture of the words SO and CRATES."

Calvin slapped his forehead.

"Listen, Socrates, I don't have time for this. Either you tell me where Hobbes went, or I'll use _you_ in the play instead!"

"Play?"

"Where is he?"

"Playing."

Calvin's eyes squeezed shut.

"You just call _that_ a _play_ on words!" Socrates said, cheerfully.

Calvin's eyes popped open.

"Fine! If you don't know where he is, then I'm leaving."

"Oh no, don't punish me with that."

"Don't ever speak to me, again!"

And with that, Calvin stormed off.

Socrates watched him round the corner.

Then he turned to the tree.

"OK, Hobbes, he's gone."

Hobbes crawled out of the tree.

"What was that all about, anyway?" Socrates asked.

"Calvin's forcing me to do all these stupid plays based on action movies we've seen." Hobbes sighed. "Every time he sees a new one, he makes an idiot out of himself trying to copy it."

"An idiot of himself, huh?" Socrates said, rubbing his chin. "Which movie are you on currently?"

"The Lord of the Rings."

"Mmmm-hmmm."

Socrates turned around.

"HEY, CALVIN! I FOUND HOBBES!"

Hobbes' eyes burst open.

"HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

Calvin suddenly appeared around the corner.

He leaped at Hobbes, and the two began rolling across the ground, fighting.

Socrates watched from a safe distance.

"Come on! We haven't done this in months, and we need to satisfy my ten billion screaming so forth!" Calvin screaming, pushing Hobbes away

"Why couldn't we have just have done another story with less danger? Like a Rupert and Earl story." Hobbes replied, throwing a hand full of claws at Calvin.

Socrates blinked.

"You can't do this to me." Hobbes said. "Tigers have rights too, you know."

"Yeah," Calvin yelled. "The last thing we need at the beginning of this story is a long and boring speech about tiger politics!"

"The first thing we need at the beginning of this story is the end!"

When the fighting was done, and Hobbes was sitting on Calvin, he turned to Socrates.

"How could you do this!" he demanded. "I thought we were friends! Buddies! Partners in crime! friends that..."

Socrates leaned over and whispered something in Hobbes' ear.

Hobbes' eyes brightened.

"Oh, yeah. THAT is good!"

"As always." Socrates declared, standing up.

Hobbes got off of Calvin, and faced him.

"OK, Calvin, I'll do you're little play with you. On one condition."

Calvin stood up.

"What?" He asked.

"Socrates has to be in the cast." Hobbes said, pointing to Socrates.

Calvin's mouth dropped.

His eyes went to Socrates, who waved and grinned at him.

His eyes went back to Hobbes.

"Hobbes, have you lost your mind! You expect me to put _him_ in my plays?"

"Yep." Hobbes said.

"No way!" Calvin announced.

Hobbes and Socrates both extended their claws out.

Calvin eyed them.

"Fine." he grumbled.

Socrates cupped his hands together.

"OH JOY!" he yelled.

Calvin walked over to him.

"Alright, kitty, kitty. We're doing the Return of the King. You ever seen it?"

"You kidding?" Socrates asked. "I've practically memorized the script!"

"Good. We're doing scene one with the gullet..."

"GOLLUM!" Hobbes and Socrates yelled.

"...taking the baseball bat for his own selfish use!"

"Baseball bat?" Socrates asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Don't ask." Hobbes replied. "Just believe prepare yourself for an idiotic time."

* * *

**THE RETURN OF THE WEIRDO  
****Cast: Calvin the gollem, Hobbes the fishermen, and Socrates the stupid fish  
****scene one: **DISCOVERY OF THE BASEBALL BAT!

One day, two people were sitting in some boat fishing.

And, uh, doing other fish related stuff.

Might I add that they were using shortcuts and tricks in their fishing by putting scented worms on their hooks?

Yes sir, they were using cheap theatricals to get their stupid fish.

And no, I don't know why they wanted to catch fish. Maybe it was for some village.

Hobbes sighed.

"Ah, what a wonderful day to be fishing, huh, Hobbes?"

"Hmm."

"Yes indeed. here we are early in the morning, fishing for the rare Socrates guppy."

"The rare _WHAT!_" Socrates asked, sticking his head out of the water.

"I told ya." Hobbes said.

Calvin glared at the two tigers.

"Socrates! Get back under there, and get the baseball bat ready."

"OK, and after that, I'll kiss your shoes, and call you 'your highness.'"

And with that, Socrates went back under the water.

Calvin grumbled to himself, and cast his fishing line out.

Just then, Calvin and Hobbes got their hooks tangled, this is a classic joke, and the stronger guy yanked on it, and the other guy went flying into the water.

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

On the way, he grabbed a baseball bat that just happened to be there, then resurfaced at Hobbes' boat.

"HEY! LOOK!" Calvin yelled. "I found a baseball bat."

"Good for you."

"AND IT'S MINE! _MINE I TELL YOU! NOT YOU! ME!_"

"Uh huh."

"IT'S MINE!" Calvin yelled trying to get Hobbes to jump on him. "**_WHY WON'T THEY UNDERSTAND!_**"

"No idea."

Calvin's eyes slammed shut.

"**_WILL YOU JUST JUMP ME ALREADY!_**" He screamed.

"Oh very well."

Hobbes leaped through the air, and, hmmmm, he had his teeth out and claws extended and... oops.

CRASH!

Calvin and Hobbes rolled around on the ground for a moment then Calvin killed... that is one of them came close to...

"HOBBES! I'M SUPPOSED TO BEAT YOU!"

They continued rolling around on the ground.

Then Calvin took the baseball bat, and started whacking Hobbes with it.

Hobbes did several cat like movements, and leaped into the middle of Calvin, again.

CRASH!

At this point, Socrates climbed out of the water, stepped up onto dry land, dried himself off, took a bag of popcorn, and sat down to watch the show.

It went on like this for several minutes.

We don't have several minutes.

In fact this scene ends in two seconds.

**END OF SCENE ONE OF THE RETURN OF THE WEIRDO

* * *

**

When the fighting finally stopped, Calvin tried to remember what the next scene was.

Finally he snapped his fingers, much to the disappointment of Socrates and Hobbes, and said, "OK. The next scene was where Modo..."

"Frodo."

"Whatever. Where Dodo reached those stairs, and had to climb them. With Gullem."

"Gollem."

"Whatever."

"What are you going to use for stairs?" Socrates asked. "If I recall those stairs were going straight up."

"Don't give him ideas, Socrates." Hobbes hissed.

* * *

**THE RETURN OF THE WEIRDO  
****Cast: Calvin the gollem, Hobbes the Dofro, and Socrates the miscellaneous person who served little use in the movie.  
****scene two: **The Stairs of DEATH!

"And so, here we are you big stupid puppets!!" Calvin yelled, pointing at a steep staircase.

"Calvin, they're called hobbits not puppets." Socrates said.

"Whatever. Get up those stairs!"

There was a moment of silence.

"Why?" Hobbes asked.

"Because I told you to. UP!"

Hobbes, and Socrates stood up to the stairs.

"The orcs need to hire better architects." Socrates said, shaking his head.

"Shameful." Hobbes said.

"GET UP THE STAIRS!" Calvin screamed.

Finally, after much grunting and pushing, Calvin managed to shove Socrates and Hobbes up the stairs and to the top.

"OK." Calvin said. "Got that done, now, Let's skip ahead to when you two are asleep."

Socrates peered off the ledge.

"Do we have to sit here?" He asked.

"Yes. Lay down."

Reluctantly, Hobbes and Socrates laid down, and closed their eyes.

Calvin began rooting through his backpack.

He took out a bag of bread.

He tore into it, and began throwing it off the cliff.

Ho boy.

**END OF THE SO FORTH

* * *

**

Calvin sat on the roof, after climbing the ladder to the top of it, throwing bread off of it.

He was clearly enjoying himself.

Socrates and Hobbes' eyes popped open, and they stared at Calvin.

They exchanged glances, then slunk away.

After all the bread had been thrown off, Calvin clapped his hands, together and said, "There! All our food is gone!"

Uh huh.

Suddenly, and right on cue, Mom exited the house, holding a garbage bag.

She threw the bag in the trash can, and walked back to the house.

She saw Calvin on the roof, holding an empty bag.

"CALVIN!!" She screamed. "What are you doing on the roof?!"

Calvin stared at her.

"Uhh..."

He turned around.

Hobbes and Socrates had vanished.

He turned back to Mom.

"Climbing a staircase?" He guessed.

It was then that Mom noticed all the mutilated bread on the ground under Calvin.

Her mouth dropped open, her eyes bulged, and her shoulders raised up to her ears.

All of which were bad signs.

"WHAT HAVE YOU... THAT WAS A BRAND NEW BAG OF BREAD!!!"

"Technically not." Calvin said. "We've had it for about three days, now."

We needn't go into details.

Let's just say that Calvin was in his room for the rest of the day.

Hobbes and Socrates sat in a tree across the street, and watched Calvin, sulking in his room.

"The only good thing about these plays are the huge breaks between scenes." Hobbes said.

Socrates nodded in agreement.

* * *

Two days went by.

After that Mom decided to let Calvin break something else, and let him out of his room.

"Alright, Hobbes," Calvin said, when he got outside. "Are you ready for the next scene?"

"No."

"Great! Now then the next one was..."

"We have to wait for Socrates." Hobbes said.

Calvin glared at him.

"Oh fine. When's he coming over?"

"I expected him over soon." Hobbes said.

"You never tell me when you invite that dunce over here."

"I'm sorry I had some wax in my ear, when Hobbes invites that _what_ over here?" Socrates said, from behind Calvin

Calvin jumped, and spun around.

"Uhh... nothing! Nothing at all!"

It took Calvin a few seconds to calm down.

"Now then, what was the next scene?" He wondered out loud.

He thought for a moment.

"Ah, yes, the next scene was where that giant spider attacked Nodo."

"_FRODO!_" Hobbes and Socrates screamed.

"Whatever. Shall we begin organizing the cast?"

Hobbes and Socrates stared at him.

"Whatever. Now, Hobbes, you'll be the spider. Socrates you'll be Frofo, and I'll be Gullet! As usual."

"Calvin?" Socrates asked.

"What?"

"What was the name of that wizard in the movie?"

"Handhalf. Why?"

"Just wondering."

Socrates took out a notepad and started writing.

"There. I now have all the characters' names in Lord of the Rings mispronounced by Calvin." He said.

Calvin's eyes narrowed.

* * *

**THE RETURN OF THE WEIRDO  
****Cast: Calvin the gollem, Socrates the Dofro, and Hobbes the giant spider of death.  
****scene two: **The Giant Spider of Death

Socrates stood up to the cave and looked around.

He cut his eyes from side to side, then started inside.

"Hmm, charming little place." He admired, looking at the various skulls, spider webs, and dead ravens. "I must find they're designer."

"SOCRATES!" Calvin called, from somewhere in the cave. "START CALLING FOR ME!!"

"I was getting there." Socrates said. "Don't rush me."

He cleared his throat.

"Ahem... Oh Gollem? Gullet? Monster a Go-Go? High-School Big Shot? Zombie Nightmare?"

Suddenly, Hobbes appeared on the scene.

He was wearing a spider costume.

"Ah, hello, Hobbo." Socrates said.

"Hello, Socrates." Hobbes replied.

"REMEMBER YOUR LINES?!?!?" Calvin shouted. "DO THEM!!!"

"Oh whatever." Socrates muttered. "Ahem... aaaaahhhh. Spider. Save me. Save me."

"Roar." Hobbes said.

"Help. Terror. Who will save me?"

Socrates turned, and started walking away.

Hobbes walked after him.

"You'll never escape." Hobbes said.

"Help." Socrates added.

Calvin sat on a rock a few feet away, watching Hobbes and Socrates walking around the cave.

"Why can't things ever go my way?" He growled to himself.

Hobbes, and Socrates climbed out of the cave.

"Okay, now what do we do?" Socrates asked.

"Wait for Calvin to come, and scream at us to do something." Hobbes said.

"Sounds good to me."

Socrates and Hobbes sat down, and began reading comic books.

* * *

Calvin crawled around the cave, trying to locate Hobbes and Socrates.

"Where did those two morons go...?" He growled, looking down the different tunnels, searching for them.

He found the exit, and began clawing his way out.

Hobbes and Socrates looked up, and saw Calvin climbing out of the tunnel.

"There you are!!" Calvin yelled. "Get into positions, and start killing each other!!"

"Darn." Socrates said. "Right where Captain Napalm was about to use his phaser ray."

Hobbes and Socrates stood up.

Hobbes cleared his throat.

"Ahem. Roar. Growl. Spider noises."

"Help. Save me. Terror." Socrates replied.

Calvin tried to ignore them.

He rushed over to Socrates and attempted to grab the baseball bat in his hands away from him.

Socrates held the baseball bat over his head.

Calvin leaped up at it, and tried to get his hands on it, grunting with every leap.

This went on for several seconds.

Then Socrates started to get bored.

After the fiftieth leap, Socrates brought the bat down, and konked Calvin over the head with it.

BONK!

"OW!" Calvin yelled falling over.

Hobbes walked over to Socrates and tapped him on the head.

"Oh no. help. I've been hit. Terror. horror."

Socrates laid down in the dirt, and pretended to act stunned.

"I hate them." Calvin growled.

**END OF SCENE TWO OF THE RETURN OF THE WEIRDO

* * *

**

Calvin stood up, and rubbed his head.

"Great, now I'm going to have a headache for another hour. Thanks a lot you creep!" he shouted.

"Sure thing, buddy." Socrates said, standing up.

"What happened after that?" Hobbes asked.

"Well, let's see..." Calvin said. "It's been a while since I've seen the movie. Gullem was gone for a while after that..."

"The orcs took Frodo into some castle and then Sam saved him." Socrates said.

Calvin glared at him.

"How do you know that!" He demanded.

"I saw the movie yesterday, Calvin." Socrates said.

"Oh. OK, whatever."

* * *

**THE RETURN OF THE WEIRDO  
****Cast: Calvin the orc, Socrates the Dofro, and Hobbes the rescuing guy.  
****scene three: **Insert name here

Socrates laid on the ground on his back, his eyes closed, and holding a rose to his chest.

Calvin grumbled to himself, and walked over to him.

"Alright." Calvin said. "Frdee's not dead, blah blah blah, he's just stunned, etc, etc, etc, Mr Spider's been having some fun."

Calvin took a net, and laid out in front of Socrates.

He then walked around, and attempted to roll Socrates onto the net.

"RRRRRGGGH!" He yelled, pushing Socrates with all his might.

He wouldn't budge.

Calvin turned around, and used his back to push Socrates, his feet scraping the ground.

That didn't work either.

Calvin wiped some sweat from his brow.

"Socrates!" he panted. "Roll onto the net for me!"

Socrates opened one eye.

"What's the magic word?" He asked.

"Tiger hamburger." Calvin growled.

"Oh very well."

Socrates rolled onto the net.

"Better."

Calvin walked over, and began tugging at the net with all his might, trying to get Socrates to his old playhouse he had used in the Day After Tomorrow play.

You can guess what kind of luck he had.

Finally, Calvin dropped the net, and yelled, "Forget it! Socrates! Get up and march into that castle right this instant!"

"It's a playhouse Calvin." Socrates said, standing up.

"**_MOVE!_**" Calvin bellowed.

Socrates sighed, and walked into the, ahem, castle.

Seconds afterward, Hobbes followed him.

"I'm here to save you, blah blah, blah, come out now."

Hobbes and Socrates then walked out.

Calvin glared at them.

**END OF SCENE THREE OF THE RETURN OF THE WEIRDO

* * *

**

"OK, this movie is on a role." Calvin said. "And I've only got in trouble once!"

Hobbes and Socrates exchanged glances.

"Let's see, next we do the scene with that battle going on at some castle somewhere."

"Which one?" Hobbes asked.

"I don't remember. Let's just attack the house." Calvin said.

There was a long moment of silence.

"_What?!_" Hobbes and Socrates said in unison.

"I told you!" Calvin spat. "Hobbes you go get a pitch fork, Socrates you go get a shovel, and I'll use that sledge hammer Dad has."

"Calvin shouldn't you ask your Mom first before you destroy the front of her house?"

"You don't need to ask people questions that you already know the answer to." Calvin said. "Move."

Hobbes and Socrates exchanged glances.

"The aftermath of the following scene should be interesting." Socrates said.

* * *

**THE RETURN OF THE WEIRDO  
****Cast: Calvin, Socrates, and Hobbes the miscellaneous orcs  
****scene four:** Attacking the Castle

"Alright fellow orcs!" Calvin yelled holding up a hammer. "ATTACK! TAKE NO PRISONERS! UNLESS YOU FIND THE CASTLE'S COOK!!"

And with that, Calvin rushed up to the house.

Hobbes and Socrates watched him, as Calvin began hitting the wall with the hammer, creating a large dent in it.

"Ten seconds." Hobbes said.

"Yep. I'll see you next week, Hobbo." Socrates said.

"Same here."

_ZOOM!_

Hobbes and Socrates vanished.

Calvin continued to slam the hammer into the wall.

Suddenly, the door swung open, and Mom stuck her head out.

She saw a deranged kid slamming a sledge hammer into her former wall.

Her eyes nearly exploded out of her head.

"**_CALVIN!!!!_**" She screamed.

Calvin looked up.

"Oops."

**END OF SCENE FOUR OF THE RETURN OF THE WEIRDO

* * *

**

You'd think that after this happening so many times before, Calvin would stop doing incredibly idiotic things that got him trouble.

Of course not.

Calvin suffered the punishment of a long lecture from Mom, his TV privileges revoked for a month, and over a week stuck in his bedroom.

Then Mom made the mistake of letting Calvin out.

_Big_ mistake.

Calvin peeked out of the door.

The yard was deserted.

Calvin slowly started to tiptoe out of the house.

Hobbes followed, but he didn't tiptoe.

Calvin stepped out to the front of the yard, and looked around.

Socrates was nowhere in sight.

Calvin wiped some sweat from his brow.

"Okay, it looks like that idiot isn't here." He said, turning to Hobbes.

"Oh yes." Said a voice. "That would be terrible if the idiot was here."

Calvin's eyes slammed shut.

He turned around.

He saw Socrates walking down the sidewalk towards him.

He was grinning.

"Socrates." Calvin said through gritted teeth. "Welcome."

"Why thank you Calvin." Socrates looked up at Hobbes. "So polite."

"Shut up." Calvin warned. "Now, The next scene was where Sam and Dodo cross that big lava thing that looks oddly like Rupert and Earl's home planet."

"Wow," Socrates said. "He gets right to the point, doesn't he?"

"Shut it."

* * *

**THE RETURN OF THE WEIRDO  
****Cast: Calvin the Sam, Socrates the bubbling lava, and Hobbes the Dodo  
****scene five:** Hiking Across Planet Zok

"Bubbling lava!" Socrates yelled. "You mean to tell me I don't get a part in this scene!"

"Froro and Sam are the only ones in it kitty!" Calvin spat. "Now start making bubbling noises."

Socrates rolled his eyes.

"Bubble. Pop. Crackle. Hiss."

"Come, Dodo!" Calvin yelled. "As we hike across Planet Zok!"

"I wish you'd learn to say the stupid name right." Hobbes muttered, walking up to Calvin.

"Great moons of Neptune!" Calvin yelled. "There's an extra big puddle of lava here!"

Socrates stared at Calvin.

Calvin glared back.

There was a moment of silence.

"Oh yeah." Socrates said, finally. "Sizzle. Grumble. Prop."

Calvin turned to Hobbes.

"How ever will we get across before the Evil Sith come-eth!"

"Sith is Star Wars, Calvin."

"Of course it is. Now answer the question!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes, and walked around Socrates.

There was a moment of silence.

Calvin blinked.

"Well, if you want to do it the easy way." He said.

Calvin walked around Socrates.

Socrates turned around, and followed them, as they continued on their march.

Oh and he was still boring the words sizzle, pop, bubble, crackle, and hiss, which began to get on Calvin's nerves after a while.

"Well, here we are!" Calvin yelled. "At the base of Mt Volcano!"

"Mt Doom, Calvin." Hobbes said.

"Whatever. Here we are at Mt so forth! Many a orc has tried to climbed this thing but were unsuccessful in their feat!!"

"The ladder you used to represent Mt Doom doesn't look all that stable, Calvin." Hobbes said.

"Shut up. Now we come to climb it! In hopes that we high altitude doesn't suffocate us, first!"

"Your parents won't be that happy to see you on the roof, again, Calvin." Socrates said.

"OK, Socrates, you're the lava, so you get up there, first." Calvin spat, shoving Socrates onto the ladder.

Then he turned to Hobbes.

"OK, you next!" He said.

"Why do I have to go before you!" Hobbes demanded.

Calvin stuck his nose in Hobbes' face.

"Because if _I_ go first, you'll vanish, you little weenie. GET UP THERE!"

Hobbes moaned and cried, but he ended up going up first.

Calvin followed.

**END OF SCENE FIVE OF THE RETURN OF THE WEIRDO

* * *

**

Calvin finished climbing up, and dusted his hands off.

"Alright!" He said, cheerfully. "We only have one more scene to go!"

Suddenly, Hobbes and Socrates leaped into the air, and yelled, "WHOOPEE!"

When they landed, Socrates pulled confetti out of pockets in his fur, and began throwing everywhere, as he and Hobbes pranced around the roof.

Calvin's eyes squeezed shut.

"Shut up, or we'll do three more!"

Hobbes and Socrates fell silent.

"Good." Calvin said. "Now this is the scene where the hero throws the baseball bat, and Glue-um."

"**_GOLLEM!!_**" Hobbes and Socrates screamed.

"Whatever. Over the side of the mountain into the volcano."

Calvin pointed a Socrates.

"Therefore, _you_ get to be Collum" He said.

Socrates' eyes narrowed.

* * *

**THE RETURN OF THE WEIRDO  
****Cast: Calvin the Freedo, Socrates the Goolem, and Hobbes the Sam  
****Final Scene:** The Much Awaited Grand Finale to the Lord of the Baseball Bats!

"AH HA!" Calvin shouted. "Finally! After several months locked in my bedroom, and an even longer amount of time in which this author had writer's block with this story, I have finally made it to Mt. Dune!"

"Doom." Hobbes said.

"Doom!" Calvin yelled. "To destroy the terrible baseball bat of _death_ once and for all!"

"Goody." Hobbes said. "Would you please do it now, so I can get back to your comic books?"

Calvin held the baseball bat over the side of the roof.

He stared at it for a long time.

Then he swung back around to Hobbes.

"NEVER! The baseball bat is mine! _MINE I TELL YOU!_"

Hobbes gave him a blank stare.

Calvin took the baseball bat, and prepared to hit himself in the head with it, when suddenly, Socrates leaped up from the ground, and pinned Calvin to the ground.

"HA HA!" He yelled. "I have you now! Now had over the bat, buster!"

Calvin and Socrates began rolling around on the roof.

Socrates was winning.

Hobbes watched as Socrates bit, scratched, and kicked Calvin all over the place."

"Gollem. Dear Lord, no. Stop. You're hurting him." He said, his expression remaining blank.

Finally, Socrates pretended to bite Calvin's finger off, and grabbed the baseball bat away from him.

"HA! It's mine, now! What do you say about that!"

Calvin leaped up, and shoved Socrates off the roof.

"That's what I have to say about it, you horrible mistake!" He shouted after Socrates, as he fell off the roof.

Socrates grabbed hold of the gutter, and hung there for a long time.

He blinked.

There was crack.

Socrates looked around.

The gutter was beginning to come loose.

"Hoo boy." He said.

_CRACK!_

Socrates closed his eyes, gritted his teeth, and prepared for impact.

It didn't come.

Socrates opened one eye.

The gutter had come loose, yes, but not all the way.

Just the front part.

So, Socrates just slowly lowered to the ground, without any loud crashes.

Except for when he grinned, and let go of the gutter, which caused it snap back up to the roof.

Calvin looked down.

Socrates was dusting himself off, and waving at Calvin.

Calvin turned to Hobbes.

"We're done, Hobbes!" He grinned.

He looked around.

Hobbes had vanished.

Calvin rolled his eyes, and turned around.

"WE ARE DONE!" He yelled, leaping high into the air.

Then, disaster struck.

As usual.

**END OF THE LORD OF THE BASEBALL BATS

* * *

**

As soon as Calvin came back in contact with the roof... it more or less... collapsed.

FOOOOM!

Calvin, and part of roof came crashing down, destroying part of the attic floor, and crash landed in the livingroom, where Mom was sewing.

There was a long moment of silence.

Mom stared with wide eyes, her hand holding a sewing needle above a purple sweater.

Calvin stared back, his eyes just as wide, and he standing on part of the roof in the living room.

We needed go into gory details.

Calvin was in pretty deep trouble.

Especially when the repair bill came in.

Calvin was sentenced to three months without TV, and a two month restraining order from going outside.

Which suited Hobbes just fine.

As Calvin sat in his bedroom, sulking, Hobbes stood a few feet a way, watching birds from the bedroom window.

"I can't believe Mom and Dad punished me for destroying their roof." He said. "I've done things worse than that!"

"Such as...?" Hobbes asked, looking around.

"Such as..." Calvin paused. "Shut up."

"Mm-hmm." Hobbes said, turning back to the window.

Calvin grabbed a TV guide, and began flipping through it.

"Luckily, right after my TV privileges return to me, there's going to be a cool action movie coming on!" He said, turning to Hobbes.

"He just never learns." Hobbes said, watching a bluebird fly off into the sunset.

**The End

* * *

**

**Next Movie:** Jurassic Park: The Lost World


End file.
